


Beautiful Hell

by CNichole



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Enemies to Lovers, F/M, Force Bond (Star Wars), Gray Jedi, Inappropriate Use of the Force, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-30
Updated: 2016-08-13
Packaged: 2018-05-10 09:06:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 32,777
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5579589
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CNichole/pseuds/CNichole
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rey is haunted by Force visions that tempt her with the passion and glory that the dark side holds. As her training with Luke progresses, so does the ferocity of her visions. Kylo Ren both tempts and repels her, but as Rey comes to see the man behind the mask, will she be able to keep her heart in the light, or will the dark consume them both?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I'd like to be your

**_A/n: I really have other things that need my attention, but I NEED TO EXORCISE THIS FROM MY MIND. This is clearly outside of my regularly scheduled fandom. Seriously, WTF is with this pairing in my mind? Anywho, constructive feedback is, as always, greatly appreciated._ **

 

* * *

 

**_I wonder how a girl can feel this much..._ **

**_...It triggers itself in my thoughts_ **

**_I’d like to be your_ **

**_Beautiful hell_ **

**_Your beautiful hell_ **

**_Beautiful Hell, by Adna Kadic_ **

* * *

The Force frightened Rey. Growing up on Jakku, the Force had seemed magical and unrealistic. And now that it had been thrust into her life, she discovered that the light and dark sides were both equally daunting for very different reasons. Even Leia’s assurances that understanding would come with time didn’t set her at ease.

Rey’s world was this: tactile, visceral and real. Scavenging was tactile. Abandonment was visceral. And hunger was real. But the Force... If she’d been willing to admit it to herself, which she wasn’t, the Force was as much a part of her dreams as a child as were the fantasies of her parents returning.

Both were ambiguous and existed only within the depths of her mind.

Then she’d met _him._ And her perception had been shattered.

She knew his birth name was Ben— _Ben Solo._

Such a little name for such a broken, twisted man.

From the very first meeting, it seemed as if he knew more about _her_ than she knew about herself. As if he had been privy to a great secret and was toying with her. But then he’d teased the power out of her, made her furious, scared, thrilled and enlightened—all in one, divine moment. He’d pulled the Force out the depths of her soul and made it impossible to ignore.

She wanted to hate him, but Rey had been told that hatred was a path to the dark side of the Force. But it wasn’t just that, when she’d pushed back with her own powers, when _she’d_ taken control of his mind and searched _his_ feelings, she’d seen the man behind the monster.

A man that was more deeply conflicted than even he realized.

Leia knew.

So did Han.

But Kylo Ren... He _resisted_ the pull from the Light.

_Can he be saved?_ It was a silly thought to entertain on the eve of such an important event. Tomorrow, she’d start her training with Luke Skywalker. Tomorrow, she’d go in search of her destiny with the Force at her side. But tonight... Her thoughts were filled with dark, passionate eyes and the strange, twisted compassion that emanated from within Kylo Ren.

_Why? Who am I to him?_

When he’d first removed his helmet, she’d been surprised at how handsome she’d found him. Not only that, but at how _normal_ he looked. If she’d been expecting evil to wear an ugly face, she’d been sorely disappointed. He was nothing like what Rey had expected.

The First Order _tortured_ their captives, but he didn’t touch her. At least, not physically. And when he’d reached into her mind, the way his power had gently coaxed her—questioning, comforting—she’d _wanted_ to give in, and almost had.

When he looked at her, she _knew_ he was hiding the truth, but what could he know about her? She’d seen her death in his eyes, but also life. Fierce, precious and worth fighting for.

_“You know I can take whatever I want,”_ he’d said. But it wasn’t a threat, more like resignation. He’d do whatever it took to get what his Master needed, even if that meant intruding on her personal, private thoughts, but he didn’t seem happy about it. Had he wanted her to cooperate?

_If you obey, I’ll tell you everything you never knew you wanted to know._ The thought had entered her mind, unbidden but insidious in its appeal.

Then she’d fought back. Turned the tables and fought with her own blossoming power, but Rey hadn’t been prepared for what she’d find within the deeply conflicted mind of Kylo Ren.

_I’m not giving you anything._ She’d thought it as much as said it. And when he heard it in his mind, in his surprise he’d let _her_ in. And it was nothing like what she’d expected. Rey had _expected_ darkness, and there was, it pulled at the edges of all his thoughts, but there was light breaking through the cracks in his psyche. Kylo Ren, a man who sometimes, when all was dark, and he was alone, still thought of himself as _Ben Solo..._ Who sometimes wondered... _Can I ever go home...?_ And she found affection—he felt it, and compassion for her, but why? They’d only just met... But there was more within his heart than he was willing to admit, even to himself. Bits and pieces of his life flashed in her mind.

She saw him as a boy, lanky and awkward, but determined to succeed—no matter what the cost.

She saw him as a young man, angry and defiant and latching on to a dark dream that would bring order to his savage mind.

She saw the man, deeply conflicted and warring with what he _knows_ is right, and what he _knows_ will bring him the power he seeks.

And then, she saw herself through his thoughts, and the beauty and heartbreak that was reflected by his emotions nearly brought tears to her eyes.

He was lonely.

He was frightened.

He was unsure.

A famous war hero for a father, a brilliant general for a mother; the burden of expectation had been so much—too much. _Anyone would crack under the pressure—anyone!_

_The dark side is easiest decision..._

For so long, he’d resisted. For so long, he’d ignored the obsession with his grandfather and focused on what his uncle Luke taught, but the Force had been a hard-fought battle for Ben Solo. It wasn’t easy to stay in the light when the darkness tempted him so completely.

Every battle for the light came at the expense of his own sense of self. His own identity.

_Master your emotions, or they will master you._

Rey had felt as his emotions had flowed over her in great, tumbling waves. Desire, fear, anger, love, lust, hate—so much. _Too much._ He felt too greatly and was being pulled under by the weight of his feelings. She intended to taunt him with what she’d discovered, but the vision continued until one thought—one bright, shining feeling—had nearly caused _her_ to sever their connection.

_I want her._

The depth of his emotions for her frightened Rey and should have disgusted her, but they didn’t. _She_ was surprised at how her own heart had ached at _finally_ being wanted—and how natural it felt coming from Ren.

Ever discarded. Abandoned. Forgotten.

Here, this dark and dangerous man, tempted her.

But Rey, unlike Kylo Ren, was better at keeping the end goal in mind.

_“You’re afraid you’ll never be as strong as Darth Vader!”_

Connection severed and he _fled_.

And when they met again, they’d nearly destroyed each other. Was it foreshadowing events yet to happen? Rey couldn’t be sure, but it felt like more than chance.

_It is your destiny._ The words that weren’t her own reverberated through her mind and being. It felt like she was a part of a bigger picture that hadn’t yet been painted. A bright splash on the great canvas of the galaxy. And Kylo Ren—Ben—what was his part in all of this? Leia believed, even after all that had happened, that there was still some good in him and Rey had sensed it herself. But would _he_ see it in himself in time?

Could she help him see it? Or would the allure of the dark side of the Force consume them both?

So many unanswered questions. So much frustration... and temptation.

Finn had asked her once if she had a cute boyfriend back on Jakku that she didn’t want to leave, and at the time she’d thought the question ridiculous—and intrusive. As if she had time enough for relationships, she was busy trying to _survive._ And now, a relationship would get in the way of all that she needed to learn. As removed from society as she and Luke were, it wasn’t like Rey would have the opportunity to seek out a relationship.

For the first time, she had friends. She had a place where she belonged, why would she do anything to compromise that? And yet, her mind was filled with visions of a haunted soul, his dark gaze and gentle touch. And this obsession threatened to overwhelm her and throw everything she’d come to hold so dear into jeopardy.

For a man whose dark and tainted soul called to her own.

* * *

She knew the name for what happened to her now—Force visions, Luke had explained that they were a natural part of the Force, an expression of the connection they all had with that great power. Some people barely noticed when the Force nudged them with its knowledge and power, others, like herself, had powerful visions—as she had when she’d first come into contact with his lightsaber. They frightened her and pulled her mind into spirals of what ifs and what was and what would never be.

Sometimes, she saw herself join the Knights of Ren, drawn in by one man in particular.

_Kylo Ren._ She refused to say his name out loud, and even Ben Solo felt like a beacon somehow, as if he’d be able to link minds with her from afar, divining everything she wished to keep secret.

Everything she wished to keep safe.

All her fears.

All her dreams.

All her desires.

And in the deepest, darkest reaches of her mind, part of her wondered what would have happened had she taken Ren up on his offer.

_“You need a teacher!”_ He wanted her to be his student. The thought made her laugh; what could an incomplete student like Kylo Ren possibly teach her when _Luke Skywalker_ was now her teacher?

And yet, she wondered.

And yet, she dreamed.

_Of him._

Sometimes, the visions of Ren were innocuous. Conversations that never happened and never would. He’d make her laugh—some ridiculous trick with the Force or a joke about a shared experience that had never actually happened—and his face would break into _that smile._ And she would melt. He’d notice, lips curving into a knowing smirk.

“You look different when you smile,” she’d remark, trying to sound distant and cool as they sat together, in a place they’d never been, on a planet she’d never seen.

“You like me when I smile,” he’d declare, cocky as ever, but he’d lean closer—in that telling way. Not touching, but close enough that she could feel the tendrils of his Force brush out against her skin.

“It just makes you look slightly less depressed,” Rey would taunt, ignoring the way her heart flipped, the way her body shivered with want.

“How could I be depressed when I’m next to the most beautiful woman in the galaxy?” he’d tease her, because he knew how much it bothered her to be called beautiful.

“Is that all that I am to you?” she’d growl, and he’d laugh—which would delight her enough that she’d _almost_ forget what she was upset about.

“You mean more to me than anything. You are my reason, Rey.” His hand would reach out towards her face, curled fingers gently caressing the curve of her cheek.

“You reason for what?” she’d barely whisper.

“ _Everything_.” He’d lean in and time would freeze, seconds stretching to minutes and minutes to hours, as he pulled her close. She was shy and unused to this kind of attention and the deep and unrelenting affection he had for her.

Rey would gather herself awkwardly onto his lap and give him a little nudge with her shoulder. He’d tuck her head under his chin and hold her close. As his lips brushed against her brow, he’d murmur again, “Everything.” And in that moment, she _knew,_ even if it was just the two of them, there’d never be a more perfect moment in the galaxy than this.

This vision was always the most disorientating to wake from, the most _unfair._

Clutching her pillow, she could make out his warm, masculine scent as it lingered at the edges of her memory.

_He is so tempting..._

_The dark side is so alluring because it is so easy..._

* * *

Rey didn’t want to believe in destiny, but she _knew_ she was meant to meet Kylo Ren. Knew it was her destiny for him to push her out of Jakku and into the Force. Was it her destiny to pull him back into the light? What could a _scavenger_ do to turn a powerful nemesis away from the pull of the dark side? Time passed quickly. Soon, Rey was stronger than she’d ever thought possible, living a life she’d never believed could be real—fantasy and reality combining into a heady mixture that often left her mind reeling.

And through it all, he found her in her visions. Called to her. Laughed with her. Fought with her. Tempted her. She wasn’t innocent, never had the opportunity to be, but the darkness in him fulfilled her in ways she’d never thought possible. Like two halves of a broken whole coming together—darkness mingling with light. Tempting and forbidden.

Part of her wondered whether he knew that she had visions of them together, that their connection through the Force reached out through the expanse of the galaxy, inexplicably linking their minds. And part of her _knew._

The next time they met, it would be on equal terms.

The next time they met, he’d know her better than anyone in the galaxy, and she’d know _him._ He’d use every secret, every bit of knowledge to try to pull her to the dark side and she’d use every kindness, every hidden memory to bring him back into the light.

She was stronger, but he had more passion.

He was cunning, but she was determined.

She was afraid, but he knew better than anyone how to rid her of those fears.

Together, they could rule the galaxy, but it was her goal to convince him that the galaxy and all of its inhabitants didn’t need _rulers,_ it needed balance and respect.

_Even now... Even after what he’s done? Can he be saved?_

Luke Skywalker hadn’t been entirely pleased to see her when she’d first arrived, nor was he caught unawares. He was resigned, as Kylo Ren seemed to be, to his fate. He’d be the teacher and the surrogate father she never had, whether his guilt wanted to allow it or not.

And he taught her. And it was hard. And she considered leaving. Giving up. Through it all, she could feel the pull, the allure of the dark side. It was easy where the light took constant meditation. And, what was worse, she could _understand_ where the adherents to the dark side were coming from. She had _compassion_ for them. Luke said this could be used as a tool against them as much as they could use it against her. As long as she guarded her feelings, they needn’t be able to take that knowledge and use it against her.

But how could she guard her heart when she nightly let Ren in?

She couldn’t resist asking Luke about Ben Solo. She told herself it was because she wanted to know how to avoid the same fate, but truly she was curious about him.

Luke told her that the ways of the Jedi did not come easy to Ben. Each success was hard-fought. Where other younglings conquered specific tasks with ease, Ben always had to work twice as hard to achieve the same result. And he grew to resent the other students.

And one student in particular.

But Luke would say no more on the subject. He said that didn’t want to dwell in the dark past when their success lay in the present.

_A Jedi is part of a greater order and meant to keep balance, Rey. We work together toward a brighter future, not to stand out. My nephew... He understood, but refused to use the Force for the light._

And Rey trained. And fought. And grew.

She could tell Luke was both proud and terrified of the kind of student she’d be come—at how easily the Force came to her, but she was used to fighting, so fighting for the Force was just another mark on the long list of accomplishments that she’d had, despite her hard childhood.

But of all the training she received, she enjoyed learning how to utilize the lightsaber most of all. In her heart, she knew it was because it made her think of the _first_ time she’d used a lightsaber, and who she’d fought.

And the darkness that she’d overcome in _not_ taking that final, killing blow.

But it also frightened her how close she’d been to relenting—to taking Kylo Ren up on his offer to train her. Then, for the first time in her life, she’d been sought after by not just the Resistance, but the First Order as well.

She thought that she’d made the right decision, but sometimes, late at night, she’d wonder... They say the lightsaber is an elegant weapon, but when Rey and Kylo Ren fought in her visions, there was nothing elegant about it. It was hard, each stroke coming with great cost to the other, almost as if they both knew what the pain it would cause to their own psyche if they _actually_ landed a killing blow. Rey kept her expression neutral though she wished she could see his scarred face. He wore his emotions on his sleeve and she suspected that the helmet was another way he maintained his distance—and his darkness. There was strength in this game of theirs, each baiting movement, his feint drawing out an anticipated block from her saber, her lunge redirected by a hard block. They tired each other out as their sabers clashed again and again. She lunged and landed a sharp blow to his sternum with her elbow, but he turned along her back, caging her against his body with his wild and untamed lightsaber.

“What do you hope to accomplish, Rey? We both feel it, the way the dark side _calls_ to you.” The rapid expansion of his chest against her back made her intimately aware of how close they were, at the exact points of contact between their bodies. He towered over her, simultaneously frightening and thrilling.

“Only the dark side?” she taunted, her own saber held in check by the one at her throat. Heat emanated from the blade, but instead of feeling threatened she felt like _he_ was the one who could barely contain himself. At her words, his lightsaber dipped slightly before he regained control.

_Do I affect him so strongly?_

The dark side amplified emotions, without the light to temper the Force, it would grow unwieldy, calling out the basest of emotions. That wasn’t to say the light wasn’t without its own failings—a tendency to dismiss strong emotions as weakness was one, but with the light and the dark, balance was needed. Rey understood that calm was necessary, even if her mind warred with desire and hate.

“I could show you so much,” he managed, his mask warping the words into a dark hiss.

“The light could redeem you,” she offered honestly. Even Darth Vader found redemption at the end after all the darkness that he’d perpetuated in his maddening fight. Luke had never stopped believing as Leia never would for Ben. And in a moment of madness, Rey found herself believing—and trusting—in the light.

At the release of her finger, the lightsaber at her side deactivated before dropping to the ground with a heavy thud. A twitch of his fingers was all the sign Rey got that he’d noticed. Slowly, she raised her hands up and back, her fingers nervously sliding through his strong arms. He warned her with a low hiss, but made no other move to stop her. With difficulty, her fingers slipped against the hard metal of his helmet, searching blindly for the release before— _right there—_ she pressed and the mask unattached itself. He was too tall for her to be able to pull it off his head, but inexplicably, he slid a hand up to her own before removing his helmet and barrier to her.

The lightsaber at her throat deactivated, but his arm remained tight against her body.

“What game are you playing at, Rey?” Without the obstruction of his helmet, his voice sounded unsure— _mortal._

“This is no game, Ben.” She carefully turned in his arms to face him. Exposed, vulnerable, confused—it all showed on his handsome, scarred face.

“My name is Kylo Ren,” he weakly retorted.

Rey shook her head. “Search your heart, as I have mine; you might not be wholly Ben anymore, but neither are you completely Kylo Ren.”

He looked down on her open, determined face. She was not a princess, or a damsel, Rey was raw, beautiful and somehow knew she was everything he would have wished for— _before..._ but now?

“What do you know, Rey?” he mocked.

“Only what my heart tells me,” she replied, her gaze drawn to his full lips, the way he darted his tongue out as if preparing for a kiss...

“And what does your heart say?” Somehow she knew that he _had_ to know what she was thinking. He was _obsessed_ with knowing. Obsession with knowledge—both light and dark—had been his downfall once, would it be his downfall with her?

“That when you reach out, you make connections. Whether you want to or not. Whether you deny it—they exist.” Her voice was breathy, both from their fight and... something more.

“What connection?” he growled low as his hand slowly lifted. He was careful with her, always had been with her, even though she didn’t need it. At the first, tentative brushes of his fingers against her cheek, she pulled away on instinct, but when his careful press was replaced with a slow, lingering caress she responded with her _own_ touch. And it was neither careful nor halting. In a blur of movement, she tangled her fingers in the edges of his cloak before pulling him down— _hard—_ to where she could reach him.

“ _This connection,_ ” she declared before her lips met his. And at that first, blissful touch, they lost themselves in the intimacy of their connection. His hands threaded into her loose, messy hair. Her hand latched around the back of his neck, holding him tight and close as their tongues swirled, as his teeth erotically nibbled and pulled at her own, as a hand lowered to her back to pull her tight and _exactly_ where he wanted her.

He let her back him against something sturdy and solid as their hands frantically touched, searching for weakness, eliciting the kind of pleasure that could only come from passion.

He’d be _her_ downfall if she let this go on for much longer if she didn’t gain control of her vision, but at that moment, in the secret places of her mind and heart, Rey _wished._ And her call was answered by the desire of another, darker, deeper—an obsessive quality that should have frightened her, but only drew her in. Tempting her to draw out the light she _knew_ was within him. Seducing her with his words, with his lips, with his hands—he _knew exactly_ where to touch her. They’d been together enough in her visions that they were both acquainted with the shared knowledge of their dark pleasure.

Rey pulled at his belt.

He slipped the shoulders of her shirt lower, exposing the curve of her neck.

She slid her fingers beneath the fabric of his clothes, searching and seeking for a skin to skin connection—and finding it, peeling the fabric back until she could see and feel. Her hand trailed a path over his exposed chest, his rapid heartbeat against her palm the telltale sign of his need.

_Their connection._

“You need a teacher...” he managed to choke out as Rey's mouth dipped and trailed a path along his chest with her lips.

“I have one,” she replied, lips brushing against his sensitive skin. His fingers tightened in her hair, curving her head away from his prone body and exposing the column of her throat to his needy lips.

He growled against her skin. “A teacher that can show you how to harness your powers—show you the power of the dark side.”

And all at once, Rey remembered.

The important truth she’d ignored for momentary pleasure. A false light obscuring the darkness of their coupling.

She shook free of his hold and she could tell he recognized the change in her, almost as if he’d been waiting for it, as it always came when they were together—like clockwork.

They pushed and pulled each other until one broke.

This night, it was Rey.

Another, it would be Ren.

“Give yourself over to the light, Ben. I know you can feel it. It brushes against my fingertips and at the edges of my mind. You can’t hide it from me.”

“And neither can you hide the darkness that grows within you. I know you grow frustrated with the pace of your training—with how long it takes to learn anything of value.” His hands moved to her shoulders, holding her firm. His eyes were fierce and passionate. He wanted her for the dark side, but more than that, he wanted her for himself.

She knew it, she wanted him back, and still she resisted.

“That’s the true power of the light, Ben. To stare into that darkness and resist its call. It’s patient, true and always willing to welcome a wayward warrior. Once the darkness has you completely, it’s so hard to get yourself back. Surely you must see that Snoke is just using you for your power...”

This time, it was Ren that pulled back, her words mirroring his father’s—and pushing him away.

“I’m here for you, Ben. Luke is here. Your mother is here, always—there is goodness in you. We can help you!”

He turned away and the connection between them was broken once more. With a cough, Rey woke, groggy and disoriented.

She could smell him on her skin—taste him on her lips.

Soon, one of them would break for real, and she didn’t know if she had the power within to keep it from being her.

* * *

A/n: I’m going to make this as clear as I can because there’s much debate about this subject. In **_this story_** _,_ Ben Solo/Kylo Ren and the lovely and mysterious Rey are in **_absolutely no way, shape or form_** related. **Period.** This isn’t _Flowers in the Attic_ _at all._ I don’t care what you’re into, or what you’re not. That’s your prerogative and I simply don’t have time to care what other people do with their imaginations because I likewise DO WHAT I WANT. And in my mind, they are _not_ related because seriously, that UST!? Come on. I love a good Death/Persephone story because, don’t we all? THE REDEMPTION ARC WILL BE GLORIOUS. Anyways, even if it’s revealed that they’re related, this story will exist outside of official canon anyways, because it’s _fan fiction_ and I can do that. If you’re not into darkness, I’d stay the hell away from this pairing because maaan, do I want to watch as they burn. ENJOY AS I GO SEE STAR WARS AGAIN. I really just had to get this out of my system because I’ve been OBSESSING. It's my own little piece of madness.

**Any mistakes are my own. I do my best, but I’m sure I’ve missed something. Thanks for reading and I hope your obsession isn’t as crippling as mine. Like, ugh. The lyrics up top are from Beautiful Hell, by Adna Kadic as is the name of this work of fan fiction, from which I am making noooooooo money. Which is sad, because I really should be getting paid for an obsession this unfreakingreal.**

 


	2. The Great Below

_Hello there! So welcome to my own, personal hell. Things are getting a little darker and a little wilder (raising the rating to Mature, me maties!). Things have gotten a little more **serious and decidedly lemony?** If that’s not your thing, fairly warned be thee, though I’d like to think that it’s tasteful. BUT WHAT DO I KNOW THIS PAIRING HAS RUINED ME. Enjoy. Constructive criticism is always appreciated!_

* * *

 

_Staring at the sea_

_Will she come?_

_Is there hope for me_

_After all is said and done?_

_Anything at any price_

_All of this for you_

_All the spoils of a wasted life_

_All of this for you_

**_The Great Below, Nine Inch Nails, Trent Reznor_ **

* * *

 

And sometimes her visions of Ren were darker than deep space. When she was conscious, Rey was able to admirably resist the temptation that doubt presented, but once she slipped into sleep, her fears were ominous and harder to ignore. It was as if all the fear she ignored, all the indecision, all the sadness, manifested within her sleeping mind and attracted _him._

When she was awake, it was easy for Rey to lie to herself and say that she didn’t _want_ to think about him, that he was an uninvited guest in the inner workings of her mind, but when she was confronted with the embodiment of her curiosity, she couldn’t lie.

Kylo Ren _fascinated_ her.

Tempted her.

He was the dark side of the force that she denied, just as she was the light that _he_ worked so hard to resist. From the far points of the galaxy, they’d been drawn inexplicably to each other. To what end, she could only imagine. For now, it was a mutual fascination that threatened to damn them both.

Master Luke and her had trained hard. Worked her body and mind to the point of exhaustion, and she was glad for it. Maybe, if she was consumed with her Jedi training, her thoughts of _him_ would be pushed to the sidelines.

A wry smile curled her lips as she drifted off to sleep, for he’d entered her mind even as she’d sought to keep him out, her last conscious thoughts consumed with the vision of his haunting face.

When she saw Ren in her visions, she saw places she’d never been, memories she’d never lived, people she’d never met, and this was no different. She was on the great First Order Star Destroyer, the Finalizer, but more specifically, she was inside of Ren’s private sanctuary. The room was as stark and barren as she would have expected. No personal items. Cold and devoid of life. It was all for show, of course, this she also knew. Everything about Ren was a show, sometimes for her benefit, but mostly for his own. He was a great pretender, living out the demented former dream of a dead man.

And yet, she had pity for him—no. More than that, it was _compassion._ Their lives had been so different, their personal experiences at opposite ends of the spectrum of experience. And yet, the Force had drawn them together for a specific reason, whether they liked it or not.

His spine straightened as she walked closer. She was sure he’d known the instant she’d stepped into his mind, but other than his slight reaction, he made no move to acknowledge her. Seated facing away from her, he barely seemed to move, barely seemed to breathe; it reminded her of when she’d woken in the interrogation room as he’d quietly watched her sleep. This time, she observed him without reserve. His helmet was in place, guarding his face and humanity from her. It had been nearly a week since the last time she’d had a vision of this dark warrior, not since the last time he’d left her...

And it seemed as if he wasn’t ready to forgive her for offering her strength—offering her light. If this was the game they were playing at, Rey decided to see what she could learn about him—and how far he’d let her push.

Rey felt his eyes on her as she trailed her fingers along the cold, metal walls. Would her fingerprints remain when she no longer did? How much of this was tactical? Judging from their previous encounters, things could be _considerably_ tactile.

_His lips. His taste. The press of his hands. His hard body against mine. His heat._

Thoughts of their encounters entered her mind, unbidden, but tempting. She could feel the color rushing to her cheeks, feel the way her pulse began to race.

Shoving her emotions down, she asked, “Are you going to sit there all day, or are we going to deal with this?”

For a moment, she thought he _hadn’t_ heard her, but finally he rose and turned towards her, his mask an effective barrier between her understanding and his emotions.

“So it’s Kylo Ren today, then?” she asked, gesturing to the mask.

“It is always Kylo Ren,” came the faintly disembodied reply.

Rey raised her eyebrow. “Is that so?”

He was such a bad liar. Somehow, she knew that he’d _always_ been this way. When he was young, he’d been angry at his parents. The reason was the same as always, they couldn’t stand to be near each other for too long and neither was willing to sacrifice their personal lives to dedicate themselves to their son.

So he was left in the capable care of droids and eventually his uncle.

When all he’d ever wanted had been _their_ affection.

But before his final abandonment, he’d been a boy, and he’d enjoyed the attention getting to trouble brought him.

Base to base, he was a military brat through and through. Most of the other kids avoided him because he was _General Leia’s_ son, but he knew it was more than that. He frightened them, all except for one girl. The only friend he'd had on base. He’d always been curious, but it was a curiosity that bordered on cruelty. Taking apart machines to see how they worked, testing the limits of the droids that were programmed to care for him, reaching out with the force to see how _people_ worked. And once, only once, he’d reached out to a young boy on base who’d been foolish enough to test his limits and take the one friend he had from him.

Ben, as he was known, force choked the child so badly that he’d died.

It was the final straw. He’d lied through tears, said that the boy _must have_ choked on his food, but Leia had known. His mother had always known when he was lying.

And then he’d been sent to Luke, where Ben had died and Kylo Ren had been born.

Now only Snoke could perceive when he was lying... Snoke and...

_A scavenger._

Rey was overwhelmed by his sadness and his anger. It was tangible, even in a vision. She’d felt as he choked the life out of that now faceless boy, the heartache when his mother sent him away, the disappointment in the limitations of the Jedi. And then his thoughts turned... to her.

Her face.

Her body.

The way she scrunched her face when she smiled.

Her fierce intelligence.

Her devotion.

And then, his thoughts darkened. Lust and desire warred within him, threatening to overwhelm his orders from Snoke—threatening to force him to forsake everything he’d worked for. Everything he’d become, and everything he had _yet_ to become.

For a girl.

A _scavenger._

Suddenly, her thoughts were her own, and he looked up at her through the darkness of his mask.

“You hide yourself from the galaxy in that thing, but that’s your intention, isn’t it?” _You hide yourself from me,_ is what she wanted to say, but she was sure he knew that.

Ren’s head cocked to the side slightly, considering.

“Take it off,” Rey demanded, lowering her head level to his own.

“And what will I get in exchange?” he asked, his mask twisting his words into a mechanical sounding approximation of the voice she’d gotten used to. The voice of the man who’d been Ben Solo.

“Get? You _get_ the pleasure of my company and all that entails!” she spat, angry that he’d denied her.

 _Make him take off his mask._ The thought came into her mind, dark and unbidden.

But how could she? If she drew any closer, he’d divine her intent, but maybe... The element of surprise could work in her favor.

Rey cocked her head, mimicking Ren’s own look, before she slid onto his lap.

And Ren _froze._ Hands at his sides, body stiff, and utterly silent.

He’d touched her before, very nearly possessed her, and yet he denied himself now. He was a walking contradiction and one that Rey felt _compelled_ to unravel. Sliding forward until they were chest to chest, Rey stared into his eyes and smiled. It was not kind.

“Take. It. Off,” she grated. She could tell his heart was beating furiously, that he was tense with the effort to keep his hands to himself, that he was _willing_ his body not to respond.

This was a game she would win, Rey decided. No matter what she had to do. It felt necessary as if getting him to take off that stupid barrier was integral to her success.

 _My success...?_ She _was_ trying to win him back to the Light, wasn’t she? Why else would they be connected like this?

Ren made no move to obey. Just stared forward, face trapped in that cold, dark mask and pretended like his personal barriers weren’t shattering around him.

Rey leaned in while sliding her hands up along his strong arms. Her hands teased at the collar of his shirt, almost as if _she_ were considering taking off the mask herself, instead her hands pulled back and she swore he took a breath to calm himself, even while he pretended that she had no effect on him.

Rey smiled, this time it was devious. Leaning back, she slowly slid her jacket off, letting it pool on the floor behind her.

Ren realized too late what her intentions were though she wondered if he’d have done things differently _had_ he known. And part of her knew, he’d have done nothing, just sat there while he allowed her to drive him half mad with desire.

“You’re afraid of me,” she accused while her hands rose dangerously close to the buttons of her shirt.

“I am afraid of nothing. _You_ are nothing,” he assured her.

“Oh?” Rey popped a button. Then another. And another. And Ren continued to look forward until even his dark reserve couldn’t resist the temptation.

Rey disrobed herself and it disarmed Ren. She had power over him, they both knew it, and he was wise to resist her because she had no limits and no shame. She’d never had any use for either and growing up on Jakku hadn’t allowed for it.

She slid her shirt back and off of her shoulders. Only her bindings remained, but she made no move to remove them. Instead, her hands trailed over the plains of his chest, insistently pressing into hard muscles as his breaths became more erratic.

“Tit for tat, Ben,” she goaded. “Take it off.”

And, with trembling hands, he reached towards his mask.

A thought flashed through Rey’s mind, unsure—what _exactly_ was she playing at here? She wasn’t sure, but she _knew_ that it mattered that he look at her with his own eyes. That she’d do whatever it took to force him through the barrier he’d erected between them.

His fingers fumbled with the releases of his helmet before, with a hiss, it disconnected. He sat there, motionless again, so Rey reached out and lifted it off. It was so heavy and cold. As it fell to the ground, a dead weight, she felt relief. The burden of that contraption would be a constant reminder to its wearer: _This is where you belong. This is your duty. This is your commitment. This is the only way._

And now, he stared at her, eyes raw and exposed. His handsome, scarred face haunted by pain... and something more. A thin layer of sweat misted his hairline, from the helmet or her? Rey was willing to bet it was the latter, but he’d never admit it. Not unless she pushed. Not unless she was determined. Rey’s fingers curled into his dishevelled waves, not so gently tugging his head back to expose his neck.

“See? Isn’t this better?” she asked as her lips trailed along the column of his exposed throat.

“You came to sway me then? Since when does light side training include seduction?”

“Am I seducing you? I thought I was nothing,” her teeth scraped as her lips soothed. Ren visibly swallowed as her touch became more sure, more _insistent._

And, finally, her teeth clenched, rasping against his skin in an erotic caress and Ren _exploded._ Rey was thrust off of Ren by the full force of his power, but instead of the anticipated pain, she hovered against the wall, the press of his power against her body tangible, but not unpleasant.

“You play games with forces you can’t possibly control, scavenger,” he hissed, eyes mad with desire and delirium. His body was seething with barely contained power. He was as bad at controlling his emotions as she was. It was all or nothing with Rey, all or nothing with Ren as well. Never a measured in between, though her emotions channeled into positive outlets, he’d allowed his to lead him down the path to the dark side.

Rey tried to move, but was immobilized by his power. It was her fault. In searching to expose _his_ weakness, she’d left her own mind unguarded. Even in a vision, Ren was powerful. Even in a vision, he could influence her thoughts. Even in a vision, he was dangerous.

And yet, she didn’t fear him.

Hate him? Often.

Desire him? Frustratingly yes.

But fear him? No.

Eventually, he loosened his hold on her and she slid to the ground.

“Supreme Leader Snoke wants you.” He said the words as if it were the only reason he’d pushed her away. Rey wondered whether he was using his master’s desires to supersede his own.

“And what do you want?” The question visibly started Ren. With her, the emotions he’d worked so hard to control were overwhelming and ever present. He could hide _nothing_ from her, not without his mask. Not his jealousy. Not his possessiveness. Not even his abhorrent kindness.

Ren stalked towards her, motions jerky and impassioned, as if his feet had started the motion of his body before his mind could catch up and remind him as to why being close to Rey _was a bad idea._

Rey was still as Ren reached for her, the expression on his scarred face dark and haunted.

“I want to keep you...”

Rey looked up into his dark, fierce eyes.

“You wouldn’t know what to do with me if you had me.” It sounds cruel, even to her ears, but it seems necessary.

But Ren’s lips curled into a small smile, as if he’d been thinking _exactly_ the same thing. And then, his mood changed. His hand still shook, but this time it was _Rey’s_ breath that caught as Ren lifted his fingers to the tie of her bindings and pulled. Gently teasing the wraps from her body, he exposed her to his dark gaze.

“Tat,” his deep voice caught on the word, could barely form it.

Rey choked out a laugh. She’d meant to push _him_ out of his comfort zone, but she’d not thought of what would happen if he _pushed back._

“The dark isn’t what you think it is, isn’t what you’ve been taught,” he said softly, seeming to choose his words with great care as his gloved hands trailed a maddeningly slow path up along her abdomen, to the curves of her breasts.

Though she’d anticipated having to call his bluff, she hadn’t expected him to turn the tables on her. As much as they’d tempted each other, she’d always thought that _she_ would be the instigator. The friction. The shock to _his_ system.

Not now.

“What is it, Ben?” she gasped as he none too gently rolled a pert nipple between his fingers.

“Ren. I am Kylo Ren. The dark side is everything you’ve ever wanted, but been denied. It is belonging. It is power. It is unquestionable loyalty. It is desire. It is the ultimate connection to the galaxy and all its inhabitants.” His voice was low and deeply affecting. Rey felt herself leaning into his touch, urging him on with her breathy moans. When she tried to reach for him, she was again restrained by his power.

 _Look, but do not touch,_ his eyes seemed to say.

“You deny yourself the love of your family, _Ben,_ ” she choked out as his head dipped and lips replaced hands, his tongue and teeth an erotic scrape against her sensitive skin.

“You know so little and yet the ignorant words can’t tumble fast enough from your lips,” he growled against her body. With a long, forceful suck, Ren pushed her to the point of pain, but Rey found that she not only _enjoyed_ his passion, she wanted _more._

“What do you know of ignorance? You keep yourself distant from me because _you know_ you can’t resist. Free me and let me prove it,” Rey taunted as he caught her eye, a wicked smile curving the corner of his lips. Instead of acquiescing to her request, he denied her. Rey felt her body being turned, not against her will but outside of her control, so that she was facing the wall. The cold metal of Ren’s room pressed against her rapidly overheating body and her inability to see him made her both nervous and wanting.

“Ben?” she questioned before letting out a little yelp of surprise as she was gathered against his body and pulled towards his seat. This time, he _did_ relinquish his Force hold on her, but Rey allowed him to pull her body into his lap. With her back flush against his chest, Rey could feel the hardness of his erection against her curves.

“Enjoying the game as well?” she tried to tease, but it ended on a gasp as he slipped his hands along her knees and down the length of her thighs, splitting her legs to straddle his.

“‘There is no passion, only serenity,’” he quoted the Jedi code, his voice a deep, mocking rumble against the shell of her ear. “You deny yourself at your own detriment, Rey.”

Part of her knew it was true. There was enough darkness inside her that she’d felt its influence, usually in _his_ general vicinity. They pushed each other. Pulled. Though she tried to deny it, she wished there was another way. For what balance could there be if there was only light? To deny the power of the dark side was revered as the ultimate test, but balance was an integral component to peace in the galaxy.

_Darkness tempered with light._

When they were together, it felt as if it were possible, but when they were apart, the impossibility of their desire weight heavy on her shoulders.

_Murder._

_Traitor._

_Liar._

Names. Emotions. Truths. But never sufficient to describe him. Never sufficient to describe the overwhelming feelings she had for him. And she wanted to feel. Wanted to be pushed over that edge, but she wanted him to come _with_ her.

It was a blasphemous thought. The light and the dark worked _against_ each other. Always had.

 _But maybe balance can only exist in between. The gray places that blur the edges of us all._ Rey wasn’t aware that she’d shared the thought with Ren until he’d slid his hand temptingly down her stomach, his long fingers worrying with the ties of her slacks.

“I won’t deny my passions. Won’t mute them. I won’t allow the light to blind me,” he assured her as the ties came free and his hand slipped beneath the fabric.

He was slow with her, careful. His touch seeking permission—which he found as she rolled her hips back and into him. Rey gasped as his fingers searched and slipped between the folds of her sex, delving into her sensitive, secret places. Giving her the pleasure that the Jedi were expected to deny themselves. Rey let her head loll back against his chest as he slowly and insistently pushed her to the edge of reason.

“The darkness is oppressive and consuming. The light is healing and comforting,” she assured him as his fingers patiently worked against her slick, sensitive nub and made her feel like a traitor and a liar. Her own _body_ betrayed her. And yet, what he did to her felt natural and right. His powers slipped though her, he allowed Rey to read his thoughts.

Passion warred with anger.

Lust with affection.

Desire with danger.

 _Want her. Need her. Deny yourself. Give her more. No surrender. Release. Temptation. Win her. Claim her. Save her. **Make her yours.**_ His words flowed seamlessly into her mind, making her as mad as his sensual touch.

Rey’s hand flew back and tangled tight in his long, thick hair. With a merciless tug, Rey pulled his head towards hers as she awkwardly craned her neck back. As their lips met, Ren _thrust_ into her slippery sex and the combined touch of his hand, lips and power pushed her over the edge. With a cry, her mouth parted and Ren’s tongue slipped within, patiently and thoroughly possessing her while his fingers guided her through the most intense orgasm she’d ever experienced.

Eventually, their lips parted and Rey stared, starry eyed and in completely over her head. What had started with a taunting game on her part had ended with his own game of seduction and temptation.

_Imagine what we could explore together. Imagine the way I’d feel within you—fuller, thicker—possessing you more completely than you have ever known. Imagine this. Imagine more. The way I’d complete you, the way you’d **complete me.** The intensity of our passions combined would shake the foundations of everything we’ve ever known._

And as she looked into his eyes, she _knew_ it was true. All of it. The darkness and the light. Their powers were complementary, their psyches balancing and yet—the power. She’d been taught to resist, he’d resisted that teaching. The light would deny what the dark side would embrace.

“And Snoke?” she asked as her heartbeat returned to normal, even as his fingers gently teased her, even now. Reminding her of how much more he’d like to do to her. How much more he could show her. Rey was slipping. If she didn’t regain control soon, he’d take her down with him.

“If you only knew what he could show you. What he could teach you...”

It was the _wrong_ thing to say.

Rey turned in his lap, furious. This time, she used _her_ power to pin him as she held him close and whispered every dark and dangerous and _needy_ thin he’d _never_ get to do to her. What exactly was at stake in this game of theirs. How she _ached_ for him. How, if she saw him again, she’d kiss him as she killed him, lips on his as her saber pierced his dark, cruel heart. How she’d love him if he’d let her. How she’d show him a world more precious and beautiful than anything he could imagine. How _her_ power would make even _Snoke_ tremble in time.

“This will never happen again,” she promised. His body was still because her power held, but his eyes—his eyes _knew._ This _would_ happen again. Many times. The warring of their minds played out on the battlefields of their bodies. The danger. The obsession. It would consume them both until there was nothing left.

All or nothing. There was no gray for them.

Never would be.

They were both in too deep, slipping too completely. Consumed by the raw power that they both contained but could not control.

A phrase slipped from his mind to hers.

Simple and unchecked.

And it rattled her to the core of her being.

_You lie._

And her heart cracked, and the vision shattered, leaving Rey alone on Ahch-To and Ren on the Finalizer. Both awake. Both broken.

And both afraid that they’d slip back into the dangerous and unbridled vision that they both shared.

Pushing and pulling.

And utterly lost to each other.

* * *

 

A/N. Okay, guys. Group huddle. What the fuck? I DIDN’T SIGN UP FOR THIS, STAR WARS! Seriously, does anyone else feel like they’ve been punched in the gut with this pairing? With this universe? I mean, I always considered myself a fan, but this is getting downright obsessive... AND I LOVE IT. GIVE IT TO ME IN MY VEINS. Anyways, thanks for all the kind reviews, ANONS thank you as well as I can’t thank you personally through messages! Hope you enjoyed this chapter and I’ll do my best to keep at it, thought it’s weirdly and randomly consuming. Any mistakes are my own.

The lyrics up to are from The Great Below by Trent Reznor, AKA Nine Inch Nails. SO MUCH ANGSTY MUSIC FOR THIS PAIRING. God! It’s such a beautiful hell. I am not making any money from this and I should be working on _actual work,_ but here I am.

 


	3. Under the Surface

Darkness is sinking, darkness is sinking in

Commanding my soul

I am under the surface where the blackness burns beneath

It’s getting close

I lose control

It’s taking over

_Deep End by Ruelle_

* * *

 

What they shared was often more than visions. She’d known it for weeks, and yet she still tried to convince herself that what she had with Ren was something she could control. But they were slipping. His thoughts and feelings bled into her daily routines; her brightness, the light that emanated from within, corrupted him and possessed his dark heart.

They both trained hard with their masters, one baptized in passion and pain, the other tempered with patience and kindness, but neither could deny the tug, that pull from the opposition. Damnation. Salvation. Passion and Penance.

And, when it was night and their bodies exhausted and worn, they escaped to the sanctuary of their combined minds.

Their shared obsession.

_This will never happen again._ The lie had tasted sour on her lips and she’d been ashamed, so ashamed of herself. If there was anything between them it was abhorrent and overwhelming truth, for they _knew_ the other, in explicit, intimate detail.

Eventually, her dreams breached the walls of reality and impacted her daily life. Master Luke noticed and, as he was tempted by the dark side himself, he commented, “It’s within us all, Rey. There’s nothing to be ashamed of.” He always tried to be comforting, Rey could tell, not at all judgemental. With what he’d been through in the past, it didn’t surprise her. Still she couldn’t help but feel like he was keeping some of the truth from her. Hiding something integral. Something that would help her remember...

_I need to focus on my exercise..._ she reminded herself. Master Luke had said when he was training with Master Yoda, that he’d done the same exercise to help him focus his Force powers. It still felt ridiculous to be upside down in a handstand, trying to lift Artoo in the air, while balancing a rock on her foot. It felt _doubly_ ridiculous because somehow, _some way,_ she _knew_ Ren could tell what she was doing.

_You’re wasting your time on his games. Come to me, Rey. Give in._

Rey’s mind flashed as Ren’s dark desires filtered into her consciousness. She felt them, sweaty limbs tangled, breath panting, bodies _aching_ for each other and, through it all, the intimate connection they shared through the Force. It buoyed them up, made them into something infinite and terrible. Pure power made manifest.

And it invaded her mind, ruining her concentration. Rey tried to ground herself, tried to let the Force flow through her and become one with her, but it just. Wasn’t. _Working._ His deep voice resonated within her mind, sensual, tempting and distracting. Master Luke tried to get her to grab her ‘saber after shifting her weight to her left-hand, but it was the final straw and Rey collapsed in an angry, tired heap.

“Let’s take a break for a little while. Maybe you could talk about what’s clouding your mind and sapping your concentration?” he prodded. Luke was a kind master, firm, but kind. Rey could see how a savvy Apprentice might take advantage of that kindness.

Rey was nothing if not brutally honest. “I can’t stop thinking about your nephew.”

Luke was aware, of course, but to hear it uttered allowed seemed to catch him off guard.

“I think of Ben often, as well,” he offered. Trying to lessen her guilt?

“I don’t just _think_ of him, Master, I _understand him._ And it frightens me.”

Luke crossed to where Rey laid in a heap, trying to collect herself. Setting himself down beside her, Luke looked into her eyes.

“It’s your compassion that makes you powerful, Rey. Don’t be afraid of it. Fear leads...”

“To the dark side, I know.”

They sat for long, silent moments, Rey considering her next words carefully. “Do you think he can come back, from the dark side, I mean?”

Luke sighed, the weight of his responsibility in how Ben Solo had turned out was a heavy burden on his shoulders.

“Leia believes there is still good in him,” he hedged. Was he trying to get _Rey_ to state _her_ feelings?

“What do you believe, Master?”

Luke’s gaze was heavy. “We are never beyond redemption, but we have to _want_ to change, therein lies the problem.”

“So he needs a reason?” she wondered. If Luke thought it was odd that she was asking, he didn’t show it. He’d never mentioned it, but Rey knew that sometimes, if he looked _just right_ at her _,_ she reminded him of his nephew, when he’d been young and full of light... and dark.

“That is one solution,” he agreed. Was she being used too? For the greater good of the galaxy, how far would they both be willing to go? Would the past repeat itself with her? Could he allow that?

Thoughts like these kept Rey up at night, that and her desire to avoid _other_ dark inclinations.

“But what if he can’t be saved?” She had to ask. _Had_ to know.

_What if I can’t do what needs to be done? What if I can’t go through with it...?_

Luke looked at her, sadness in his tired gaze. “We both know the answer to that, Rey.”

Training was over for the day and Rey went to her bedroll and tried to sleep, tried to ignore the heaviness in her heart, tried to ignore the feelings inside her, deep and fathomless as the sea. Feelings that made her understand... made her worry. If that day came, if Kylo Ren couldn’t be redeemed, could she destroy him?

_I don’t think I have the strength to do it... Not anymore..._

The thought echoed in her mind and through the galaxy. A shiver ran up Ren’s spine as her words cycled through his consciousness.

They were both in _way_ over their heads, the current within threatening to drag them both down into the darkness.

To destruction.

* * *

Rey was no stranger to frustration and disappointment. The path of the Jedi wasn’t an easy one to tread, but it was necessary and drew her like nothing else in the galaxy.

Nothing else except... _him._

“If the light is right, then why is it so difficult!?” Rey had been training hard, harder than anything she’d ever fought for in her life. The pain of her muscles was only trumped by the pain of her empty stomach. Even on Jakku she hadn’t been this hungry, but Master Luke had expected her to master her body as much as her mind.

“Nothing good ever comes easy, Rey,” was all Master Luke had said.

Master Luke believed that in solitude, a Jedi could find strength of will and character, that it defined who they were. Rey was used to solitude, and it was one of the reasons Master Luke thought that she was so strong so quickly. Being at peace with one’s own mind was integral for success as a Jedi.

As part of her continued training, Master Luke had left Rey to meditate on the Force inside one of the many craggy caves of the island, hoping the lack of distractions and the strength of the Force would help her to focus her mind. But she secretly thought that perhaps he was just so used to being alone that even her quiet presence seemed overwhelming—maybe he needed a break. He wouldn’t be far, he assured her, but she wasn’t afraid. Not any longer. She had so many people to go back to now, so many friends waiting on her. The trouble would come in not disappointing them.

Surviving on her own wasn’t difficult for Rey, she’d spent most of her young life alone, but the desert had eventually become her element. She _knew_ the desert. Knew how to get food, water she could drink, safe places to sleep. Here, alone, she had her wits and the skills that Master Luke had helped her develop. Her thoughts, however, were increasingly erratic and dark.

Dangerous, even.

Master Luke had said that solitude was a test that would help her channel her powers and better differentiate the light from the dark. He had shared that his own master, the great Yoda, had trained him hard, and evidently the same was to be for her. Except where Luke was driven with the righteous need to defeat the dark side and save his father with the power of the light side, Rey was conflicted.

She had _compassion_ for Kylo Ren and a thorough understanding of just how tempting the dark side could be, for _he_ tempted her _every damn night_. Dark features, haunting eyes, scarred visage, it did nothing to dampen his appeal. The darkness in his soul called out to her, a counterpoint to her own light.

Master Luke had assured her that the light couldn’t exist without shadow, but the mastery was in not allowing the shadows to be all consuming. Here, alone, the shadows threatened to overtake her. The solitude reminded her of life on Jakku and made her uneasy. She’d thought she’d escaped that sad, lonely life, but this part of the training reminded her how easily that could have, and could still yet, be her destiny.

_Mess this up, let the dark side win, and they’ll destroy everything you’ve come to love._

_Except..._

Rey tried to clamp down on her thoughts, but one escaped, unbidden—tempting— _Except him._

She still refused to think of _him_ during the daylight hours. Refused to think of his passion. The raw fire burning in his gaze. The way his lips claimed hers, so possessive and complete that remembering to breathe was difficult. The way his eyes followed her every movement, tracked every expression, as if he could divine the secrets of her mind from her face alone.

And maybe he could. Rey didn’t know how powerful he’d become, perhaps when they met again—for she _knew,_ as she knew the stars in the galaxy were endless that they would meet again—he’d get back into her head and take all of her secrets.

Maybe she’d do the same.

And when they were there, laid bare before each other, what then? Would they still be enemies? Or something more...

It wasn’t going to end well, Rey knew that. But she couldn’t stop. Didn’t want to. Could Kylo Ren be redeemed, after all he’d wrought?

And when she dreamed that night, she could _feel_ his thoughts of _her._ His memories. His desires. His insecurities. He overwhelmed her with the depth of his emotion. At the edge of his mind, she waited and watched as he tortured himself—over _her._

Rey looked upon a familiar scene and one that filled her with dread... and strange anticipation. It wasn’t their first meeting, but it was the first time they had conversed and he was everything and nothing like what she’d expected.

Apparently she’d taken him _just_ as off guard.

His thoughts were muddled and confused concerning her. Ren didn’t want her to feel afraid. Wanted to protect her—from what? The one of the worst places in the galaxy for her to be was in the interrogation room on the Starkiller Base. Still, he wanted her to... what, exactly?

He could handle the hatred rolling off of her in waves, he’d grown used to it. Born of a brilliant general and a war hero, he’d gotten used to the animosity that had been directed towards him by the other apprentices. He’d been quiet and contemplative. Their eyes had always been contemptuous, cruel, assuming his introversion was condescension.

_He’s not even that good._

**_He’s_ ** _General Organa’s son? What a disappointment..._

_Think you’re so good, eh, Princy? Nobody gives a shit who your parents are._

He’d let their hatred run through him, fueling the fires within, giving him the strength to do what needed to be done.

He’d thought her hatred of him would give him strength, puzzling over the fact that while her anger and desire to kill him should have strengthened him, it only made him feel confusion and sadness.

_“You still want to kill me.”_

He hadn’t intended to remove the barrier between them, hadn’t considered it until she’d taunted, _“That happens when you’re being hunted by a creature in a mask!”_

But _her_ eyes, when she looked at him, he’d _cared_ what her expression held. Sliding his helmet off had been the first step towards her, as her expression changed from one of fierce hatred to confusion, he’d _wanted_ that change—to defy her expectations.

If they’d met under different circumstances, if he wasn’t aligned with the dark side, and her with the light, _if...if...if..._

What would her eyes have held then?

He wore the mask to hide his emotions. He wore his mask because his face was so at odds with the persona he worked to uphold. He wore his mask because he didn’t look like the Master of the Knights of Ren, he looked like _Ben Bloody Solo,_ his face a stark reflection of his lineage. He wore his mask because he couldn’t bear to look at himself and _remember._

But when she looked at him... at that moment, he wanted to be more than the Master of the Knights of Ren, more than Kylo Ren, more than Ben Solo, even. At that moment, he wanted— _impossibly_ —to be hers. And the knowledge had frightened him to his very core.

_This is the temptation that drove my grandfather to distraction. This kindness... compassion... It only leads to the light._

And there was so much that he was fighting for. So much that he _needed_ to accomplish that the light would only complicate. So he’d scared her. Worked to maintain his distance. Taunted her. Yet her psyche clawed back, forcing him to consider what he’d long since expelled from his mind.

_A connection..._

And yet that light was ever-present, drawing him closer and further from the darkness he worked so hard to maintain. She drew him like a beacon, through the darkness of space and time, into their joined minds.

It tormented him, this _attraction._

He wanted her to see him. Not Kylo Ren, or Ben Solo, something different entirely. There was a man under the mask, under the darkness he hid behind. And she was a woman. Beautiful. Intelligent. Fierce. She’d been forced to survive, thrown into an uncaring and unfeeling land, abandoned. He’d seen it. Admired it. Wanted to share in the hope that she had for the galaxy...

In the hope that she’d developed for _him._

In his mind, the interrogation goes much, _much_ differently.

In his mind, she was there of her own volition. No, more than that, she _wanted_ to be there as much as he wanted her.

She wasn’t on the interrogation table. She was in his private sanctuary on the Finalizer. Ren stalked towards her, mind consumed with desire and awe. His feelings overwhelmed him, _frightened_ him, but she was so bright and calm. Like an anchor in a stormy sea. Rey smiled up at him.

“Let me look at you,” she said, hands stretching out towards him. A gentle press of her fingers and she removed his mask. Ren helped her slip it off, dropping it to the ground with a heavy thud. He didn’t meet her eyes as her hands trailed along the curve of his jaw. The tips of her fingers tripped along the scar on his face and she had the audacity to laugh.

“You look every bit the scoundrel now, very dashing,” her voice lowered and Ren swallowed hard as she flicked her tongue out to wet her lips.

_She’s so beautiful. So strong. So much..._

It would never work. His mind _knew_ it was a fantasy, but his heart wanted to believe.

Rey’s hands were strong and steady as she reached for her belt, discarding the layers of her clothing until she was bare before him.

“Let me show you the light,” she purred as she beckoned him towards her and Ren promptly forgot how to breathe.

Even in his dreams, he had a hard time envisioning her as _his._ His insecurity warring with his need to possess her.

“Even you couldn’t possibly change my destiny, even with all your infinite light...” His words trailed off as she sat at the edge of his bed. Dark sheets a contrast to her creamy skin. Rey fell back on her elbows and let her legs fall open.

Ren choked.

“You are a fool, Ben Solo. The faith you have in the dark side is blind. Would you like to know how I stay to the light?”

“Tell me.” He had to know, for the weight of temptation had always been too heavy a burden for him. His body moved towards her before he realized what was happening. Fully clothed, he ran a gloved hand over the expanse of her skin, watching with rapt fascination as she shivered in the wake of his touch.

Rey laid back while pulling him with her. Hands and limbs tangled, she wrapped her nude body around his, comforting—patient.

“My faith is tested _constantly_ and instead of damning myself, I _commend_ myself by _reaffirming_ what I know to be true. Blind faith is not faith and it cannot last.”

“You are my temptation. Should I turn away from this? From you?” He looked down on her, dark eyes tortured and afraid.

“Search your feelings for what you _know_ to be true.” Her eyes were alight with inner wisdom and fire.

In his mind, she was ethereal and bright. Almost inhuman and it made her heart ache for him. She was nothing. A scavenger from Jakku, but she knew more about her place in the galaxy than he’d _ever_ known. Even with the love and trust of his parents and uncle, it hadn’t been enough to keep those dark temptations at bay.

“Ben, I don’t deny the darkness. Insisting that it doesn’t exist is foolish and only leads to disappointment and downfall. The light exists, _use_ it.”

_Use me._ Her eyes said.

But he turned away. Even in his dreams, he couldn’t believe. Even in his dreams, his destiny was set.

And as Rey came back into her own mind, she _knew_ what she had to do. She only wondered whether, when the time came, if she’d have the strength to do it.

* * *

Sometimes she would forget that he was Kylo Ren and was Rey, a Jedi Apprentice, and this was the most dangerous thought of all. She forgot that there was a galaxy between them and a gulf nearly as wide between their own ideologies.

He was darkness.

She was light.

It was easier if she thought about it like that. But it was a lie. There was a light inside of him, as there was darkness within herself. The brighter the light, the greater shadow cast.

But sometimes, in the shared spaces of their minds, sometimes she’d look at him, the broken man he’d become, and she’d see it. _The light._ Bright through the cracks of his dark armor. Rey knew that the galaxy had plans for her, but there reaches a point where _plans_ need to become _actions._

And Rey’s determination was set when she watched Kylo Ren die, exactly the way Han said he would, destroyed when Snoke no longer needed him. In her mind, Ren was dying. She didn’t know how it had happened, but he laid on the ground, barely breathing, barely existing. She felt his pain, could feel his thoughts as he struggled to look up at his dark master. Snoke stood near, twisted, ugly and small. He’d done this, she knew, could feel it from Ren as he laid dying.

His thoughts, even in death, strayed to her. Snoke let out a derisive approximation of a laugh.

“Compassion— _love._ It killed you. The moment you decided to keep _her._ And now, _I_ will have her. There is nothing in the galaxy that will keep her from me, now you’ve given up the very woman who seduced you from the dark side.”

“She’ll die before she turns,” Ren choked out between breaths.

Snoke’s face split into a horrifying grin. “We shall see.”

She tried to move. To run to him. To strike out at Snoke—to do _anything—_ but the vision faded. Shifted. She was somewhere else _entirely._

Her head rested against a broad chest, tears stained her eyes.

“I love you,” she whispered.

“I loved you before I knew you,” he admitted. “And I’d love you for the rest of your life... If only...”

_If only I wasn’t dying._

Rey woke with a start, heart beating against the cage of her chest, blanket tangled at her feet. Gasping for air, she sat and ran a shaky hand over her face. She’d watched him die. Watched him live. Could she change this outcome? Did she want to? So much rested on her and Master Luke’s plan, so much hope if they could achieve it, so much pain if they were not. Could she succeed with her mind and heart in two places? Or would Kylo Ren be the downfall of not only Master Luke, but herself?

Rey knew what she had to do. And, for the for the first time intentionally, she reached out through the galaxy, connecting the _last_ person she should ever be contacting.

Of two things she was certain: he was exhausted, and this wasn’t just a dream. This was _connection._ Rey gasped as her mind slid into his, almost as if he’d invited her inside to begin with.

“What’s wrong with you?” she asked. His body felt much too big for his skin, like the energy he held inside was doing its best to expand beyond his physical limitations. It was painful, but he managed, somehow.

“What do you care, I’m a monster, remember?” he choked out from where he lay, almost sounding amused.

Rey let her annoyance and concern shine through their connection. “I don’t know what will happen to me if you don’t take care of yourself,” she admitted. But it wasn’t the only thing that had her worried, and they both knew it.

Ren _did_ laugh this time. “Little scavenger, from inconsequential Jakku, how much you _feel._ ” He said it as if it were a curse, as if all the empathy and compassion she had within her were abhorrent. Maybe it was to him, but it kept her grounded, reminded her of the light and helped her cling to her senses when his darkness threatened to overwhelm them both.

Rey tried again. “What happened to you? Why do you feel like this?” What she didn’t say was, _I could help you, I could heal you, I could help you master this pain—Master Luke would help too,_ but she doesn’t hide her feelings, so he knew and chose to ignore her offer.

“Snoke. It was a worthy punishment,” he said, and he sounded more bitter than usual.

“You haven’t healed from Starkiller. Chewy’s blaster... My lightsaber...” Rey didn’t finish.

“It was my compassion that led me to this. If I’d only been brave enough— _strong enough—_ I’d be whole, and you’d be...” This time, Ren didn’t finish.

_Dead? Captured? Tortured? Turned?_ The words flashed through their minds as they both thought and felt each word and the outcome that lay within each implication.

“Which would you prefer?” she asked, honestly wondering.

_Any. None. You... I just wanted..._

“You’re using this bond to find me, aren’t you? Using it to find Master Luke?” The accusation sounded harsh to even her ears, but Rey couldn’t hold back any longer.

He had the decency not to lie. “There are no secrets from the Supreme Leader.”

“So he knows about... whatever this is?” They were separated by so much more than just light-years.

Light and dark.

Good and bad.

It should have been binary and simple, what they had, what they _were_ to each other. But life is never simple, and it’s in the complications where enemies find they more closely resemble lovers.

“I don’t love you,” she declared.

_Not yet._ The words echoed between them, felt but unsaid.

“But neither do you hate me,” he retorted, tone dark and knowing.

“Truth between us. If we have nothing else, we have the truth,” she said because she cannot bring herself to lie to him. Even if he betrayed the fragile trust that existed between them, she still couldn’t bring herself to speak untruths.

“What is truth, Rey?” he asked, voice so soft in her mind. With Snoke ever a presence in his life, in his consciousness, she wondered whether he could separate his own needs from the overwhelming desire of his leader.

“The truth is what you believe it to be. I _believe_ that there is good in you, just as your mother does—even now. They knew, your mother and Han. They knew he wouldn’t be coming back. And they were willing to give it all up for you. That is truth and unconditional love.”

“I had their love, but never their understanding,” he spat back, petulantly.

“And is that what Snoke gives you now? _Understanding?_ ” His words made her angry and Rey wasn’t sure whether it was amplified by his feelings as they bled into her own consciousness through their strange connection, but she channeled it and changed it—through will of Force, she made it her determination.

“Power, he teaches me how to control my power,” he admitted.

“But what could he possibly know of the light, Ben?”

“Ren,” he corrected without strength, as if he didn’t even have the energy to fight her in his thoughts.

“ _BEN. Ben Solo_ ,” she enunciated clearly, calmly. “That is my truth. He is still in there, despite what you say.”

He let out a half-hearted laugh. “You will be disappointed, Rey.”

“I’m used to having to adapt. You’ve never met anyone like me and you don’t know what lengths I’ll go to, what I’ll do to keep the dark side from spreading across the galaxy.”

And then, she let her walls down and _felt,_ sharing dreams and visions and fantasies. Overwhelming them both with the strength of her power and the force of her determination.

_Together in bed, limbs tangled, hair messy, laughing as they touched and kissed... He loved her with a completeness that she had a hard time fathoming, but nonetheless felt. It was as if two parts of the same, damaged whole had finally come together only to reset into something more beautiful and pure than before._

_Hands clasped as they watch the sunset together on Jakku, her lonely memories from childhood nearly erased with the power of that precious moment. “I have another surprise for you...” he whispered. When the rings appeared, she felt her answer bubble up from within and he laughed. “You didn’t even give me a chance to ask...”_

_They trained together. Using the Force for good. Helping rebuild the fragile Republic and lead a new generation of Jedi with Master Luke. The past never forgotten, but a talking point. A lesson and a warning..._

_She wept with him as he sees his mother and is overwhelmed by her capacity for forgiveness, her love for him. “Your father and I, there is nothing in the galaxy we wouldn’t have done for you, Ben. Nothing in the galaxy I wouldn’t still do for you...”_

_And finally, she felt their love. Blinding in its intensity and stunning for all its complicated possibility._

Rey overwhelmed them both with the potential for the future. With her belief and trust.

“Truth is what you make it, Ben. Believe in the light, believe in _me._ ” Her voice was almost as powerful as Snoke’s, but not insidious. She could feel as he considered what she’d shown him, what they could have together—family, understanding—and then the fear slipped in, the possibility of pain and the vision twists so violently that she was nearly pushed out of their shared consciousness.

“All that awaits me is pain. It’s too late for me, Rey,” he said with finality.

“Were you always this dramatic?” she taunted. “I was nothing, had nothing, scraped out my existence on a scrapheap, and here you are, the toy of a madman.”

“The Supreme Leader is wise...” he said, as if by rote.

“I’ll tell you what is _true_ wisdom, Ben. True wisdom is the ability to look at your life and see you’re _kriffing it up_ and, instead of letting despair take you further down that road, you stop and _change._ It’s possible for anyone, _everyone._ You just have to take the first step.”

He felt tight and cautious within her mind. “I didn’t think you cursed.”

Rey wished she could roll her eyes at him. “ _That’s_ all you took from it? Of _course_ I swear, I grew up on Jakku. You’d be surprised at the things I know.”

She thought about severing the connection, but he seemed to consider her words. Under the weight of Snoke’s deception, that was no small feat. He’d been conditioned from childhood, primed by Snoke for his own dark purposes. Combating years of mind control would be difficult, but not impossible and Rey was nothing if not extremely patient.

She felt it in her mind as he mulled over a difficult situation—difficult information? _Tell her..._ The words echoed in her mind.

“Tell me what, Ben?” she asked.

Ren paused before answering with words that would determine the outcome of his destiny. “They know where you are, Rey. I’m to lead a team to retrieve you from Ahch-To. Take you by force, if needed.” His admission startled her. Of course, Master Luke and her had planned for this eventual outcome. With the Millennium Falcon as well known as it was, it wouldn’t take long for First Order scouts to work out its flight paths. But that he’d _told_ her they were coming _was_ a surprise.

“And if we resist?” She knew the answer.

“You are to be taken alive. Master Luke...”

“He’s a liability. The Supreme Leader wants him dead at all costs.”

“How long do we have, Ben?” She needed to alert Master Luke as soon as possible.

“I leave in two days.”

Rey let out a chuckle. “See you soon?” she tried to joke. It will be her first time seeing him in person since Starkiller Base.

“Rey,” he pleaded. “Do not resist. I’d rather you come peacefully...” He didn’t finish, the threat left hanging between them.

Rey said nothing, but flooded his mind with images, feelings. _Destiny. Tragedy. Fulfillment. Passion. Acceptance. Need. Determination._

“When we meet next, we’ll be enemies,” she assured him.

Ren was humorless when he assured her, “Rey, we have _always_ been enemies.”

And then, as a last act of defiance, Rey let her power flow between their connection, her light bleeding into his conscious to overwhelm him once more.

She _felt_ as he let her take hold of him. Her bright light illuminating the dark corners of his mind, filling the cracks in his consciousness with her warmth. She _felt_ his body pull itself back together, undoing all the pain that Snoke had caused him.

He doesn’t feel thankful, but he was grateful to no longer be in pain. Rey pulls back, her Force muted into something tolerable for him, something that’s easier to ignore.

“Be ready,” she said, her parting words as she severed the connection between them.

Alone in his mind without her bright presence, he felt more lost than he’d ever felt in his entire existence.

_Be ready..._ Her words echoed in his mind. _Be ready for what?  
_

* * *

  _A/N Shit’s gonna get real? Probably. I’m a super sucker for happy endings, so the eventual outcome will be positive. Probably. I literally cannot listen to anything anymore without seeing these two characters. Brafuckingvo, Star Wars, you’ve literally possessed my mind. Also, I just finished Hannibal season 3 and daaayum. I’m so feeling dark. Maybe not this story, but something coming? Ohhhhhh, dark romance, how do I love thee?_

_Onward and upward! Maybe a little dark!Rey? Maybe a little Snoke? Maybe a little (lot) lust? Maybe a little Huxey? We shall see..._


	4. Am I Lost?

a/n~ A little Rey, a little Ren. Why not mix up the POV? That boy is a puzzle I’d like to put together piece by piece.

* * *

 

**Why did you chase me**

**If you would erase me?**

**Why did you hold me,**

**Just to watch me drop?...**

**Tell me, am I lost?...**

**Or is the darkness following me?**

**Am I lost?...**

**Or is this where I’m meant to be?**

**_Lost, Rezz, Delaney Jane_ **

* * *

 

In her dreams, he was a boy, and she was a girl and they were meant to be. Reality painted a very different picture. In reality, she knew he was coming for her. Could feel as his body traveled closer and closer thought the galaxy, but instead of making her feel frightened, it only heightened her anticipation.

“You’re looking forward to seeing me,” he said, wry amusement in his voice, as he consciously joined her dream.

“If you don’t turn away, I’m going to look forward to giving the other side of your body a matching scar,” she said over her shoulder. She wasn’t sure, but she thought he laughed. In her dream, she was nude, wading in a calm pool in the craggy waters of Ahch-To. Rey could feel his eyes on her exposed body as she hesitantly dipped into the surprisingly warm waters, a feat she’d not yet been brave enough to try in her waking hours.

“I could teach you to swim,” he deigned to offer, even as he purposefully ignored her threat, his intense gaze roaming over her exposed skin.

Rey didn’t look at him. Just stretched her muscles in a way that she _knew_ drew attention to the curve of her hips, the swell of her breasts. Rey was angry. Rey was tempted. Rey wanted to be alone. She wanted to be with him. She wanted, wanted, _wanted_... But what? What could he give her without the ultimate sacrifice of her autonomy, her innate desire to do good?

She continued ignoring him, or _trying_ to ignore him. His presence was so big inside her mind it made it difficult to think of much else.

Rey knew he could feel the conflict within her and, with a somewhat dramatic sigh, he decided to call her bluff.

Rey listened as he stripped away the layers of his robes and kicked off his boots before he finally padded over to her, walk as purposeful and heavy as always.

She tried not to think of him there, tall, dark and gloriously naked. Tried not to let her curiosity show—she was angry at him and _herself._ She’d been tempted before, but so had he. And he was _pushing_ again. Rey was determined to have _nothing_ to do with it.

_He’s on his way here with the First Order to abduct you again and make you a slave to Snoke._

With a splash, he jumped into the water.

“I have no intention of letting you become _Snoke’s_ slave,” he said as his head broke through the surface.

“Just _your_ slave,” she bit out, arms crossed.

Ren shrugged, broad shoulders bobbing with the casual movement.

“I offered to teach you about the Force. We can use that power to restore order to the galaxy, to bring balance.”

“I don’t want to have power over the galaxy like that,” Rey replied, frustrated. She’d spent so long just keeping _herself_ alive that she’d never considered what it would be like to be responsible for anyone other than herself.

“You have a power within you, Rey, a power that makes you different. _Special._ What if you used it to bring order and establish peace?” His deep voice was persuasive and lulling, like he was talking about the weather instead of taking control of the galaxy.

“Is that what you tell yourself that the First Order is doing, bringing peace? The Empire said that they were keeping order and preserving peace in the galaxy, but at what cost? Star systems that defied them were starved when blockades kept food and aid from their planets.”

Rey knew what it was to go hungry, to scrape by. Even Jakku, inconsequential and backwater, had once been a haven for the Empire and still bore its scars.

“Sacrifices must be made in order for there to be any sort of lasting peace. Can’t you see Resistance for what it really is?” When he asked, he looked genuine. He really _did_ think what he was doing was best for the galaxy!?

“What are we then, Ren?” She knew that it didn’t escape his notice that she’d called him _Ren_ instead of taunting him with his birth name, but he’d kept his face neutral.

“Terrorists. The Resistance is a terrorist organization that has murdered thousands in the name of your precious freedom. Rey, understand me when I tell you, freedom is a lie that the Resistance is selling. Once they’re in power, they’ll establish the same set of rules and orders as the First Order, except their lack of strength will open them up to attacks from the inside—and out.”

“You’re still not winning me over here,” Rey replied, annoyance in her voice.

“Then enjoy the dream with me instead.” His abrupt change of subject surprised her and _did_ win her over, at least a little.

“You’re traveling here with the intention of taking me against my will and training me in the dark side of the Force,” she reiterated, just to be clear.

“I promised to train you in the _Force,_ not solely the dark side, can Luke give you that kind of experience?”

Rey remained silent. Luke was powerful, but his balance came from restraining his dark inclinations, not from giving into him. She couldn’t deny that the idea of learning from Kylo Ren was in some ways appealing, no doubt strengthened by their mysterious connection through the Force.

“I don’t want to be forced into training with you,” she declared.

Ren shook his head and water fell from his hair, dropping with little waves in the calm sea. “It needs to be your decision, Rey, though I am confident that I can convince you to train with me. I know you feel it as well. The Force has brought us together and is guiding our hands. There is only one outcome for us.”

Rey bit her lip. She’d felt the pull towards him and though she found Ren attractive, she also knew there was more to it—that it was more than just physical. She felt _whole_ when he was near, complete. Even with Master Luke, another Force user, she didn’t feel such a connection.

Which made her wonder, what if his words were true? What if the Force _did_ want them to be together?

Ren gestured towards her again and she shook her head.

“I told you, I can’t swim,” she repeated. Though she was attracted to the water, it also frightened her. It was so overwhelming for someone who grew up in a desert.

“And you’re afraid.”

“Of course I’m afraid! It’s everything that I’m afraid of. The darkness. Slipping under that water and never coming up again.”

_Dying alone._

She felt the last. Both of them felt her fear.

“I’ll never let that happen,” he promised.

“As long as you’re the one who kills me, then you can keep that promise,” she said wryly.

“What would I gain from your death, Rey? Be logical.”

“And if I choose to fight against you? What then? We’re enemies, despite... all of whatever this is...” Rey gestured to the space between them, unable to put words to the tension that was always simmering under the surface whenever he was near, and even when he _wasn’t._

_You never leave my mind._

They felt the same thought as one, neither willing to admit who’d birthed it.

“You know it, as well as I do, Luke can’t show you what I can. He can’t help you cultivate that power within you. I know you’ve felt it—the bond between us. I’ve _seen_ you use it. Imagine what we could do if only we worked together.”

Rey stared at him as the water beaded down the sides of his face, leaving little trails along his neck and over his sculpted chest.

He was so _stupid_ handsome. And it made her _so_ angry because she _knew_ he could feel her attraction.

“It’s nothing to be ashamed of,” he commented lightly, thought the tenor of his voice dipped. He wasn’t entirely unaffected either.

Rey stood and tried to ignore the heat that flashed through her as his gaze roamed her body as his gaze turned lustful.

“Teach me,” she said, hand outstretched. “To swim,” she clarified while carefully stepping down the rocks towards him.

“You’re trembling,” he commented as he took her hand, guiding her into the water.

“I’m terrified,” she admitted while hesitantly sliding deeper and deeper into the dark water.

“Of what?” Ren said while pulling her along with him, till his long legs reached ground that she could no longer touch with her feet.

Rey fought the rising panic within her, which was _ridiculous._ None of this was real, but it _felt_ real, and her mind tried to recognize the difference between fantasy and reality.

“That the First Order is going to win. That the Resistance will lose. That I’ll end up alone and never have any answers...”

“Allow yourself to relax and float. Don’t fight it. Let the water carry your weight, Rey, and trust that I will be here to guide you.” She knew that he meant more than in her dreams. He _really_ intended to be her teacher, but to what end? He wasn’t good, but he was tempted. And she wasn’t bad, but the inclination was there—always in the back of her mind—a dark, deviant little thought that was waiting to pounce.

And, for a moment, she let go and allowed him to guide her through the calm waters.

“It isn’t so bad, is it?”

“Only because you have your hands on me. I’d slip under without you.”

Ren gave her a rare and cocky looking smile. “Don’t be afraid.”

“I’m not afraid of _you._ I’m afraid of the water. Of the unknown.”

Suddenly, Ren pulled her close to his body, holding her afloat in front of him with his strong arms.

“Then exert your control. The Force guides us and I know that it intends for us to work together. Give in to its power.”

_Give in to me._

“One day, when that phrase sounds more like a question than a demand, maybe I will. But until you understand, until you _know_ that I’m not a thing to be possessed—not someone you can exert your will and dominance over—until you know that, I’ll never, _ever,_ give in.”

And then it was _Rey,_ as ever, taking control of the situation. Pushing against the barriers that he erected, crowding his personal space and picking at the wounds on his soul. She pulled herself along his arms so fast he didn’t know what was happening until she was tangled around him.

“ _Kriff_ , you _are_ tall,” she said as her arms wrapped tight around his broad shoulders.

Ren choked a little as her lithe, warm body pressed intimately against his own. Starved for touch, for that _human_ connection, he was lost to her. And she _knew,_ part of her felt bad for taking advantage of his obvious weakness, but she needed to make him see. Needed to make him _feel._

Rey guided his head down, her harsh whisper against his ear, “I want you to imagine what we could be, _Ben,_ if you just pulled your head out of your ass and realized that it is _never_ too late to make the right decision. Imagine the way I’d wrap around you, every _damn_ night. Imagine the way you’d be able to touch me, to _teach me—_ in _every_ way. The way the Force would flow through us, strengthening our connection and our desire. You and I, we’re not so different, only when I see the darkness I see it for what it truly is and you, you’re too afraid to admit that you were deceived, _that_ _you’re wrong._ ”

And then Rey exerted _her_ will over the dream, feeling and pushing until it was only her. And it was only her mind— _mostly._

Even when she was alone. Even when she pushed him away, she always knew that all it would take was _one_ errant thought. One misspoken phrase. And he’d be there.

The thought both frightened and comforted her.

* * *

 

The scavenger possessed him, body and soul, and their Force bond only strengthened his resolve. The Supreme Leader wanted Rey to further his own ends. Ren suspected that Snoke wanted to pit himself and Rey against each other, a duel of fates, with the victor remaining on as Snoke’s future apprentice.

Ren had no intention of surrendering Rey to the Supreme Leader. She would be _his_ apprentice, finally accepting the offer he’d made on Starkiller Base. He could feel it, the way they connected within their minds. She was curious, and he’d use that to his advantage, but more than that, she _wanted_ him, even if she refused to admit it. The way she reached out with her mind, pushing against his mental walls, looking for cracks in his invisible armor.

And when the connection was made, when she gave herself over to the power of her need, the power of passion, it was as if all the pieces of his shattered mind came together, making an imperfect whole. He was forced together by her sheer will and determination. There was a part of him that wondered whether she’d be able to drag him back to the light with her, against his will. But then Ren would think of all the sins he’d committed, all the sins that the _Resistance_ had committed and the thought would pass.

But bringing Rey to the dark with him? If she only knew the power that awaited when the dark side of the Force was properly utilized instead of denied. Snoke had said that Ren was a perfect balance between the light and the dark, an embodiment of the strength of each opposing side, but his fractured mind made him weak—a liability. Ren knew this as did Snoke. One day, possibly soon, Snoke would turn on him and take a new apprentice, one that was more malleable and less prone to irrational outbursts.

_Or fixations on desert scavengers..._

In his mind, Ren imagined what it would be like to have _her_ with him. Would her light burn him up, or would it illuminate the parts of him that he’d long since rejected? Ren thought he might do just about anything to acquire the scavenger. But acquiring a person and winning her trust were two fundamentally different concepts. He could take her against her will and she would hate him and deny him at every turn.

_No. She needs to come willingly. It needs to be her decision. But, how?_

A small smile appeared on Ren’s face as he stared out the viewport into the space beyond.

He knew how.

He’d known since Starkiller Base exactly what needed to be done.

“Think you can manage retrieving the scavenger without _kriffing_ the whole situation up?”

_Sycophant. Sanctimonious little worm._

“Volunteering, Hux? Wouldn’t want to venture outside for _too_ long and ruin that sickly pallor.”

Ren didn’t bother turning to face Hux as he moved to stand next to him. It was bad enough that he’d let the general get under his skin enough to reply.

“Touchy, Ren. Might this have something to do with your soft spot for that dirty little backwater whore?”

Hux was playing with fire, counting on the fact that Ren wouldn’t do anything and risk Snoke’s disproval _again_ —but Ren had a bit of a reputation for being emotional and the scavenger... Well, some subjects were better left untouched.

Ren didn’t move a muscle, didn’t need to. Hux let out a sputtering cough that turned into a desperate choke. He watched as Hux tore furiously at his collar, looking for invisible hands that could never be fought off.

“Was there something more you needed, General?” Ren asked calmly before releasing his Force hold. Finally Ren turned to look at him. Shock of red hair disheveled from his encounter, Hux leaned against the dark, durasteel wall of the Finalizer, throat clutched, trying to catch his breath.

Hux had nearly stumbled to his knees while doing his best to regain his composure, but his hatred of the Force and Ren got the better of him, as it so often did.

“When you bring her here, Ren. I’m going to make you watch as I _personally_ extract the secrets of the Resistance from her nubile body.”

Jaw clenching, Ren just _barely_ resisted Force chocking General Hux to death. Crushing his windpipe would be _too_ easy. Only Snoke’s looming disapproval stayed his hand.

_I will die before I let you get your hands on her._ The thought came unbidden into his mind and he was shocked to discover that it was true. He’d die before letting anything happen to Rey.

“She’ll kill you before that happens, Hux. Underestimate the scavenger at your own peril.”

Straightening his collar, Hux lifted his chin, scowl fixed firmly in place. “Don’t think that the Supreme Leader won’t hear about this,” he threatened.

“I’m counting on it,” Ren said, not able to disguise the sarcasm that came so naturally to him. Both of his parents were famed for their acerbic attitudes, which had rubbed off on Ren despite his desire to distance himself from every part of his past.

_Dead and gone and ever a part of who I was and who I am._

_Like the light._

His mind turned naturally back to the scavenger—Rey. The way he’d seen her in his mind.

She was his poison.

She was his pleasure.

She was his destruction.

But what was he to her?

Bringing her to Snoke would be a mistake, Ren knew it, but the part of him that wished to please Snoke warred with the part of him that wanted to keep Rey for his own.

_A compromise? But how can I achieve this?_ He’d seen her fire, her passion, both during their fight on Starkiller and inside their shared minds, and Ren was confident that he could draw out the darkness within and use it to turn her—and keep her.

But she knew _him_ and his weaknesses just as well as he knew hers. And Rey was nothing if not persistent.

_Just how far does this infatuation run... For both of us?_

Two days. In two days, he’d find out the answer to so many questions. And Rey—would Uncle Luke have told her the truth? Or would Ren get to see the look on her face as the pieces of her past came together, only to break apart?

This time, he’d be there to help her pick up the pieces, and put them back together into the shape of a woman who could understand him, who could _aid_ him in his quest for order.

_If only I can turn her._

For Ren, there was no other option.

* * *

 

The night before the First Order’s arrival on Ahch-To, Master Luke and Rey had discussed their endgame.

“I can’t guarantee we’ll survive this, Rey,” he warned. Illuminated by firelight, his face looked older than his half a century, though with as much as he’d suffered, Rey supposed it made sense. The strain of his life and the burdens he carried showed in every line.

“Look I so old to young eyes?” he said, catching her off guard. Luke smiled at her as if he was laughing at a private joke.

“The life of a Jedi is hard, isn’t it?” Rey asked, avoiding his question, as she’d been caught looking at him with something like sympathy in her eyes.

“It’s the hardest decision I’ve ever made, but also the best.”

“Even with how Ben...” Rey didn’t finish, her unspoken words hanging between them.

“There’s still time for even that,” he promised her.

“Do you really believe that?” she’d asked, incredulous. After all that she’d seen in her mind, she knew Ben Solo was a deeply conflicted, broken man. But she had no frame of reference for him and Luke so rarely spoke of him.

_What had happened to put him on the path to the dark side?_ She’d wondered.

“I have to.”

“Otherwise Han died for nothing,” Rey started, but Luke shook his head, stopping her.

“Han died a hero. He died for his family. At the end, Han did what needed to be done for his family. It would be foolish to assume that both he and Leia were unaware that he could be going to his death.”

“But it was for nothing,” Rey dared to disagree. “Kylo Ren is still with Snoke.”

_And still nightly haunts my mind._

“And you are here with me, so that counts for something.”

“I don’t see how. Han walked to his death and Ren severed that connection to his father _forever._ ”

“Sometimes dying for something is better than living for nothing.”

Rey shook her head. “Tell me, Master. Make me understand. How could parents like Han and Leia have a son _like him_?”

Luke had sat for a long time then, so long that Rey had almost decided to let it go and prepare for bed, but eventually he’d explained, “Han never could understand the Force.”

“And that justifies his son turning into one of the most powerful enemies of the Resistance?” she asked, incredulous.

Luke shook his head. “By the time Ben came to learn from me, Snoke had been influencing him for _years._ I thought he was a troubled, gifted young boy who needed a positive outlet for his overwhelming power. My confidence in the light, in what _I_ knew to be true, blinded me to what was really going on.”

Rey considered. “Han and Leia dumped him with you, then?”

“Ben felt abandoned by the people whose love and respect he wanted the most. Snoke was able to use this against him, _against me._ ”

Rey tried to imagine how hard it would be to be taken from the only home you’d ever known, left somewhere, and expected to thrive in an environment that hadn’t exactly been welcoming.

And then she realized, she knew _exactly_ how that felt.

_My family left me and never came back. I might never know why, but I was a problem that they no longer had time to deal with._

Rey sighed. “I _was_ abandoned. Didn’t turn me into a murderer.”

Luke smiled, thought Rey thought it looked a little sad. “True, that is very true, Rey.”

They stared at the flames as the silence dragged out between them. What more was there to say? They both knew what needed to be done, what needed to be _protected at all cost._ But a thought seemed to pass through Luke’s mind and he drew her attention back to the present.

“You’d be a great asset to the First Order.”

Rey snickered. “Yeah, I’d make a hell of a mechanic,” she said wryly.

“Your powers grow daily, Rey. Soon, you’ll be as strong as Ben was when he... Well, you’ll be as powerful as he was, maybe more so.”

“Why are you telling me this?” Rey asked. He seemed to be setting her up for something and she didn’t think she was going to enjoy it.

“If I die Rey, you need to protect the temple. Snoke will seek to destroy it, but not before taking the artifacts within. There is a power here, as ancient as the Force itself, and we cannot let the First Order have it.”

Rey nodded. “Ren isn’t going to let this be easy.”

Luke’s face crinkled into a smirk. “Nothing was every easy with Ben, but that didn’t make it worth trying for.” Luke gestured to the dying flames. “It’s late. We need to rest.”

Rey had to keep herself from snorting. She hadn’t had much rest since Starkiller Base. Luke’s training that left her body exhausted, but Ren’s connection with her did nothing to quiet her troubled mind. She was lucky if she got four hours of sleep each night. She’d gotten used to the _caf_ at the Resistance base and she sorely missed it now.

Rey yawned as Luke headed towards his own ancient quarters.

“Goodnight, Master.”

“Goodnight, Rey.”

A shiver passed through Rey’s body as she suddenly found herself feeling like this might be the last time she’d ever see Luke, the last time she’d be able to ask him anything of worth, but she ignored her instincts, despite how strong they were.

Rey stumbled towards her quarters and managed to shuffle around in the dark admirably, seeking out the relative comfort of her cot. Curling into the blankets, she tried not to let the memory of Kylo Ren slip into her mind. Tried so hard to keep him from _knowing_ she was weak, lonely. That if he were to just reach out... she wouldn’t be able to resist.

_She failed._

* * *

 

Full lips brushed against hers. Tongue darting out to taste at the edges of her mouth, seeking entrance. She let her head fall back, lips parting, and was overwhelmed as his kiss thoroughly possessed her.

His bed. His quarters. The darkness blotted out nearly everything, but she could still make out his pale skin, the intensity of his gaze. He was lit from within, no matter how much he denied it, the light _shone_ from him, brushing against the edges of her awareness—calling to her.

But the darkness was there as well, and equally insidious. It was a dream. It was a nightmare. It was everything and nothing. It was the future. It was _now._

“Stop thinking. _Just feel,_ ” he commanded, the Force radiating off of him in a calming wave and, for a moment, it worked.

A shudder ran through her as Ren settled his body between her legs. Hands spread on either side of her head, he loomed over her—waiting.

Rey took a breath and her hands traveled of their own volition over the broad plains of his chest, hitching along his scars.

_Luke’s—no, Anakin’s lightsaber._

Fingers tripped and trailed lower, over old scars. Over new.

_Chewy’s bowcaster._

Ren watched her, his expression guarded. Rey’s hand dipped lower... _lower._

A deep growl rumbled from Ren and he hissed, “You play a dangerous game, scavenger.”

Rey smiled as her eyes closed—as she _just felt._ Rey’s hand slipped beneath the fabric of his pants. Further... _Further_...

_Almost..._

With a dark laugh, Rey suddenly withdrew her hand as her nails traced a teasing path along his abdomen, but Ren wasn’t about to let her off that easy. Balancing on his knees, he captured her wrists and pulled Rey’s arms above her head, pinning her to the mattress and holding them there with his Force powers.

“ _Ahh_ , Rey. I warned you. This is a game I intend to _win._ ” He punctuated his words with punishing kisses as his hands trailed down her prone body.

She should have been afraid.

She should have severed the connection.

She should have felt anything aside from the overwhelming lust that threatened her good judgment.

_Just this once... Give in,_ he pleaded within her mind.

And, _just this once,_ Rey submitted.

For they both knew, it might be the last time they had the chance to be together, and they weren’t about to waste it.

Not this time.

Ren dipped his head low and darted his tongue out to taste the pulse point along her neck before his tongue gave way to his teeth, as he nibbled and bit, just edging the point of pain.

_“_ Just once,” she murmured.

And the lie tasted sweet on her lips. 

* * *

 

a/n~ AHOY MATEYS! So, saucy version goes on AO3 and non-saucy on FFNet. And I intend for things to get  _saucy._  Ya dig? I don’t know if any of ya’ll are into it, but I’m over on tumblr under [@pacificwanderer](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/pacificwanderer) if you’re so inclined, come say hi. So as I keep reading about Star Wars, my understanding of how I believe the plot to be progressing for 8 evolves, but I’ll do my best to keep this as plausible as possible (considering no one on the outside knows how things are going to go down yet, but I have some theories).

Because I’m so damn hopeful for 8. SO DAMN HOPEFUL FOR REYLO. And super trying to keep myself from falling too deep (too late)! Anyways, hope you enjoyed and I’d love it if you felt so inclined to review :)

As always, any mistakes are my own, so please excuse them. It’s late and I want to get this out of my system!


	5. Bare

**_Underneath my skin_ **

**_Is all you’ll see today_ **

**_I could take you there_ **

**_If you let me see_ **

**_Why you are the one_ **

**_are you the one for me_ **

**_...Come on and bare your teeth._ **

**_Wildes, Bare_ **

* * *

Ren wasn’t sure of much anymore, but he was sure that he’d known Rey before he’d met her.

_“It is you...”_

The girl from his dreams. The girl from his nightmares. The girl who represented all that he could have been. He’d seen her through the Force, he knew that now, and it frightened him, though he tried with all his might to push that emotion as far into the back of his mind as possible.

Fear.

Love.

Made him weak. Made him remember. The wry smile of his father. The gentle touch of his mother. The way _she’d_ looked at him when he’d take off his helmet, like maybe, just for a moment, he wasn’t the monster he pretended to be.

That he could be a boy.

And she could be a girl.

And there wasn’t a galactic war and conflicting ideologies aside.

Just Rey.

And him.

And the galaxy between them.

* * *

His dreams always had a prophetic edge to them. Snoke had said it was because of his power—the light and the dark—combining into something unexplored in the Force. Something more terrifying and powerful than ever before.

Once the Force had awoken in Ben Solo, nothing seemed to be able to keep that power from overwhelming him, not even sleep. Luke Skywalker shared his gift and so did his mother, but neither knew the Force like _he did._ He had been different. An embodiment of all the good and all the bad the Force could offer and it pushed against the walls of his mind, skewing his perspective, killing the weak boy and leaving the monster behind to gnaw on the bones of who he used to be.

He’d been dreaming of the days to come since childhood. Dreaming of _her._ But Rey. He’d seen her coming, even if he hadn’t realized or wanted to acknowledge it. Even if the contact they had between their shared consciousness wasn’t _actually_ real, it was real _enough._ More than he’d ever thought to hope for. Attachments were liabilities he could not afford, but inside the corners of his mind, he couldn’t deny how much he _wished_ it were otherwise.

Wished that he _could_ feel her small, rough, scavenger’s hands on his body.

Wished that he could touch her in turn.

Wished that she’d join him and that they’d rule the galaxy together.

But he’d given up on wishing when he was a child.

 _Why would you wish when the power of the Force is yours to command?_ Snoke’s voice had echoed within his mind, pulling him further and further away from the only family he’d ever known. The First Order wasn’t his family, neither were the Knights of Ren, _family_ was _weakness._

_She is a weakness._

And as her mind invaded his he could feel the way she _wanted_ to touch him, the way she _would_ touch him, if their worlds were different and the stars were aligned. And it was too much to resist. She was like gravity and he could only hope that he wouldn’t be crushed under the weight of her overwhelming light.

* * *

There’s a strange sort of power in giving in. In a way, it’s the truest kind of control—control over your own mind, control over the parts that scream to fight, to resist. The power to resist the urge to be strong. To be the warrior everyone expects. The power to give yourself over to the care and keeping of another.

Rey would never be comfortable with submission, not completely, but she knew in their shared space, he’d never make her regret the decision. Ren slid his hand over the curve of her hip, a soft and gentle counterpoint to the bruising kisses of his mouth. Rey wasn’t completely innocent, but neither was she experienced. Hasty kisses satisfied curiosity in a land where she’d only ever just survived. Here, in their shared space, Kylo Ren consumed her in a way she hadn’t thought possible.

His dark obsession filtered through their bond and she saw herself through _his_ eyes. And it was too much. The way he saw her. The way he _worshipped her._ Not as a fragile girl, but as his equal—his balance. She fulfilled his irrepressible need for light and he...

_Calls out my darkness._

It was a mistake to ignore the dark within. Luke had realized that too late with Ben Solo, but Rey didn’t need to make the same mistake—she _wouldn’t._ Giving in to the darkness was a choice, but blind obedience to the light was just as dangerous.

Just as destructive.

But balance... Was too tempting to resist.

Ren’s fingers skimmed over the sensitive skin at the juncture of her thigh—gentle pressure that teased and made her shimmy her hips in anticipation of _more._ He wanted her to beg, she could tell, but Rey bit her lip in defiance. His gaze locked with hers and he let out a low chuckle at her stubbornness.

With a shake of his head, Ren finally slipped his long fingers between the folds of her sex, seeking out that secret, pleasurable nub. His fingers swirled and Rey felt like she was on fire. The Force trailed through his touch, heightening their connection and her pleasure.

“I never thought that the Force could be used like this,” she managed.

“Little scavenger, you forget what we share between us,” he chided. And she knew he was calling her a liar.

“I never thought about using it on _myself._ Is that close enough to the truth then?” Her words ended on a moan as his fingers found the perfect rhythm.

“Tell me, Rey. In all your bright light, did you think of me and my darkness? Giving you what you were too afraid to ask for?”

Rey growled as he pulled his hand back from her body.

“Patience,” he teased, but she was beyond that. She shouldn’t have wanted what was between them, but now that he’d started, he’d better kriffing finish!

Ren’s fingers threaded through the folds of her slick sex, rimming her core and driving her mad for more.

Finally, much to her displeasure, a word escaped her lips— _just_ the word he’d been waiting for, “Please.”

Ren groaned and Rey found that she liked the sound _very_ much indeed.

“Anything for _that_ word,” he said as his fingers slid home.

With a desperate cry, Rey’s back arced off of the bed in an effort to push him further inside, to tempt _him_. She thought of all the things she’d ever wanted for herself, all the dark fantasies she’d ever had of him, and in that moment they overwhelmed her, sensitized her, and came tumbling from her lips in a taunting rush of words. “I could tell you wanted me, even if you were afraid to acknowledge it yourself. Even if it frightened me—I knew. I could feel the dark urges of your mind, just out of my reach. I imagined what it would be like to watch you touch yourself. Would you think of me? Would you imagine what it would feel like to have my hands wrapped around your thickness, gripping and sliding along your length? Or would it anger you, brought so low by a _scavenger?_ ”

Ren’s breath hitched, and Rey felt as he released a shuddering sigh against her neck.

_And you want him too, now what are you going to do about it?_

In the deepest corners of her mind, Rey _knew_ that she wanted to keep him as well. It was more than his desire, more than the appeal of his darkness.

 _Kindred. Understanding. Equals,_ her heart called.

They were lonely equals in a world that was struggling to keep them isolated. But could he compromise? Could _she?_

“And I’d reach out with the Force and _show_ you what it felt like to be possessed by my power, by my touch. And then I’d have my answer.”

Ren groaned against her body as she sent him images, visions of her desire—of the future?—through their connection. Their shared world was strange and nearly as tactile as reality. But here, in the deepest recesses of their bond, it was physical. Deep. And dangerous. Reality threatened to tear them apart. Their dreams pushed them both to the point of obsession and beyond.

Rey’s nails dug into the flesh of his muscled forearm as she fought for control—over her body, over her mind, over her very being—but it was no use. He knew her body as well as he knew his own, maybe even better. How long had they been sharing through their bond without either knowing it?

In a strange and twisted way, he cared for her and she for him. Rey caught his dark gaze roaming over her prone and sensitized body, watching her reactions. It was more than just sexual for him, he _wanted_ her to want him. Wanted to make her as addicted to him as he was to her though she suspected he’d never admit it. He thrust slowly, purposefully within her, pushing her higher while his thumb returned to stroked over the sensitive bundle of nerves at the apex of her thighs. It was enough. It was _too_ much. She’d never be able to get the memory out of her mind now and finally, _blessedly,_ when he curled his fingers within her, over a particularly responsive point, she came apart in his arms.

His name on her traitorous lips.

His smile against her hip as he gently brushed a kiss against her skin.

The heat of his body as he curled around her, held her close and waited for her to turn to him, to open her body and heart and mind and let him in—but no. Not like this. She would have him, one day, she thought. But it would be _Kylo Ren_ that gave in to _her._

And Rey found her strength. She wasn’t naïve enough to see herself as the hero, but she no longer could see him as the monster.

Not anymore.

She couldn’t hold onto the connection, her emotions too conflicted even as Ren rallied against her attempts to sever this meeting.

“Stay,” he commanded.

 _No._ The thought was strong and sure, even as her body ached for more of what he’d shown her.

_Not like this. Not here. Not now._

“I never pegged you for a tease,” he spat back, angry, but without heat. He’d _expected_ her to pull back. Expected her to be afraid of him, except she wasn’t afraid of _him._ Not now, not ever really. But their connection? What she felt for him?

Terrified Rey to her very core.

_How can I feel this after all that he’s done?_

“Your compassion will be your undoing,” his deep voice rumbled through her mind as she pulled herself back into her reality. She knew he was right. But she also knew he was underestimating her resolve and her desire to drag him up with her, right into the light that frightened him.

Rey was determined and stubborn, more than anything else. In the face of any sort of adversity, no matter how harsh, no matter what the conditions, she would persevere. This would be no different. She wasn’t the hero, and he wasn’t the monster. What they had between themselves was more than just the Force, more than just a bond. But she could only wonder how long Ren, who was just as stubborn, just as fierce, would deny his true nature.

She could only wonder whether she’d be strong enough to resist that dark pull, for her greatest test was yet to come.

Rey blinked as she woke, but she couldn’t shake the image of Kylo Ren from her mind. His handsome, scarred face. His powerful, lithe body. The way his power called to her own. They were two halves of a broken, lonely whole and on the wrong sides of what seemed like a centuries old war.

_What is right? What is good? What does the Force want with me?_

Her thoughts traveled through her mind and into the Force, but in the vastness of the galaxy, they were surrounded by darkness.

* * *

She felt the moment he landed on the island, their connection thrummed. Seemed to call: _connection, completion, need, desire, love, lust,_ and so many emotions she didn’t want to consider.

_Relief. Most of all, I feel relief._

She couldn’t be sure, but she thought she felt him smile, but her face set into a stern scowl.

Love is a funny feeling and Rey wasn’t sure that she’d ever experienced it before. What she had for Kylo Ren didn’t feel like love. It didn’t feel healthy, but it did feel honest. It was strange, but she felt like he was the only person in the galaxy that _didn’t_ lie to her. That if she asked, he’d tell her anything, or he’d do murder to find the answer for her.

And the darkness inside of her _needed_ that. Felt that it was essential. The truth of her family. The truth of her power. The truth of the Force. It felt like everyone else had only ever given her half-measures, but when she’d asked, he’d given her _everything._ And still, he’d bestow upon her whatever she wanted, she only had to give herself over to the First Order. Which was a mistake. Master Luke said that her power would rival even Kylo Ren’s soon and having two powerful Force users in their clutches would a huge blow to the Resistance. No. They needed Ren. She needed to convince him to leave the First Order—to leave Snoke. And she would do anything to achieve this.

Even lie.

Because, as she was coming to understand, sometimes good people did bad things in order for the greater good of the galaxy, just as bad people sometimes did _good_ things. Nothing was black and white, no matter what the Jedi had once thought. No matter what the Resistance propaganda said. Everyone had blood on their hands and hopefully what she and Master Luke had planned would put a stop to it all.

She should have been afraid, should have felt _anything_ really, but when confronted with undeniable truths and great moments, we often feel nothing at all. Later, when she’d reflect on the moment, she’d understand that her own calm had been buoyed by _his_ anticipation. That her feelings were not completely her own. And the parts that belonged to her had cried out in welcome—not resignation.

Ren would be a challenge. The First Order would be a challenge. The dark side would be a challenge. And she couldn’t wait, for she had always been good at achieving her goals, no matter what obstacle put in front of her.

He was alone when he finally confronted her, alone and winded. It would have almost been humorous had he not been there to abduct her. He no longer wore his mask. Because of the scar she’d given him? If anything, it just made him more handsome and reminded Rey that underneath the darkness there was a man, flesh and blood and guts and Force. Dangerous thoughts to entertain when she was trying to keep her distance.

“I’ll give you a minute,” she said dryly. “The steps and altitude are hard deal with unless you’ve had a lot of practice climbing them.”

“You’ve picked up his sense of humor,” Ren replied with effort. She thought there might be some wistfulness in his realization, but it could have been her imagination.

“I’ve picked up a lot of things during my time here,” she said with a smile.

_Muscle. Force powers. Powers over my mind._

_Is that so, scavenger?_ he taunted back because they _both_ knew that her mental fortitude only went so far.

_If I recall, you were making use of those powers to push us both to the edge of our control the last time we met. Or have you forgotten how much you enjoyed the feel of my lips on your body? The way your spine curls when you’re about to..._

_Stop!_ she commanded. _Not now. Not here. Not ever again._

He smiled, but said nothing more. He seemed to be waiting for her to make the first move, was he _always_ waiting for her to make the first move?

“If you’re going to kill me, why don’t you just go ahead and do it?” she said while igniting her ‘saber. He smirked at her words, but it didn’t reach his eyes. This time, she’d thought she’d be stronger. This time she thought she’d be able to conquer the darkness inside and capture him for the Resistance.

She had to try.

_Stick to the plan._

“Are you so eager to die, little scavenger?” Without his mask, the emotions danced across his face and she was surprised at how easy it was to read him. How open and honest he was with her. He wore the scar like a badge of honor, like a reminder of what happens when you show _compassion._ She wondered how much further that scar dipped below his collar. Did he trace the line of it with his fingertips, thinking of her?

Rey let her eyes roam over his body, taking in the changes in his dress in addition to the subtle changes in his body. He moved as if his entire being was stiff—his punishment for failure? Or was it their proximity? She could feel it too now, because she was honest with herself—the heat, the _longing—_ it all rolled off of him in great waves, threatening to pull her under, clouding her judgment. He stood, barely breathing, as she looked.

As her feelings turned from _fear._

From _anger._

To lust.

It was inevitable that their mutual curiosity would bring them together again, never mind that Snoke had demanded it. Would she finish what she’d started, taking the head from the body she was nightly obsessed with? She still wasn’t sure. But she knew they needed to get Ben Solo back and that the power contained on Ahch-To needed to be kept from the First Order no matter what. Her mind traveled to her friends—Finn, Chewy, even Poe—as much a family as she’d ever had, but he interrupted her thoughts.

“You were never meant for them,” he said, reading her thoughts and emotions in equal measure.

“And who _was_ I meant for? A nothing and nobody from Jakku,” she spat.

“You were meant for _me._ I should have thought that was obvious by now. I know you feel it.”

And, truth was, she _did_ feel it. Like knowing something before it’s going to happen, or feeling like you’ve known someone for your entire life when you’ve only just met them.

Connection.

Belonging.

 _Bond._ The word hummed through her mind, but she wasn’t about to let _him_ know that.

“I’m not your kriffing toy _._ ”

“Not yet.” His voice was low and suggestive. She _knew exactly_ what he was eluding to. If she’d been less angry, less _afraid,_ she might have blushed.

_Stick to the plan. Stick to the plan. Stick to the plan._

“My orders are to take you alive,” he admitted. She noticed the words he _didn’t_ say— _Take you alive. Nothing about Master Luke._

“And if you can’t? If I won’t go?”

“If you come without a fight, I’ll let Master Luke live.”

“If you come with us, I’ll let your squad of Storm Troopers live, how about that?” she countered.

“Murdering innocents, that’s not quite like any Jedi I’ve ever heard of,” he taunted.

“They’re not innocent and I’m _not_ a Jedi yet.”

Kylo Ren smirked, and he looked so much like his father in that moment it nearly knocked the air from her lungs.

_The things we do. The horrors we commit to bring peace to the galaxy. Who’s right in this terrible game where there are so few winners and so many losers?_

“The traitor was a Storm Trooper, I wonder what makes him different than the men and women of the First Order?”

She knew he was calling her a hypocrite, and she knew that she was. Finn was her friend, and _that_ was the difference.

 _But don’t they all have the potential to be your friend? To choose a different path?_ her mind wondered.

“What makes you think that I’d let _anyone_ else get close to you?” Still, he was possessive of her. Was that the reason his Storm Troopers had remained near his shuttle?

“What? You better believe it’s going to take more than just _you_ to take me off of this rock,” she taunted.

“Maybe I’m not going to take you anywhere, have you considered that?”

Rey tried to keep calm, even as her heart thrummed. _Keep the artifact safe. Get him back to the Resistance, to the light._

“Not going to take me back to your _master_?” she spat and was surprised when his lip curled in disgust.

“I have no master.”

“Then Snoke?”

Ren shrugged. “A means to an end.”

_So he doesn’t intend to follow his supreme leader if it comes to that? What is the truth of the First Order?_

“You’d do anything to gain power,” she prodded, but he could see right through her.

“If you want to know my plans, you’re going to need to get back inside my head.” Ren stepped forward and Rey took an unconscious step back, one that he noted with a dark smile.

“No, thanks.”

“Are you sure? Lately you can’t seem to keep yourself out of my head.” Raw, masculine amusement flowed from him, coiled its way around her psyche and Rey had to keep herself from thinking about how much she really _did_ want to get back inside his head. That was the problem with having him so close, he could read her like a book.

“If you hadn’t gone poking around where you didn’t belong,” she accused, but Ren cut her off.

“Honesty, always honesty. You’ve been expecting me for a long time, haven’t you, Rey?”

It startled her to hear her name spoken aloud. She wasn’t sure whether she’d heard him speak it before, or if he’d only ever uttered it within the deep, secret spaces of her mind.

_Focus. End game. Snoke. The light._

But it frightened her just how right he was. She’d seen him before she’d met him. _Known_ to expect him, but the man she’d been presented with was so much darker than she’d anticipated. And much more appealing.

“Rey. You’re going to show me where the artifact is and I’m going to take it back to the First Order.”

“And then what?” she dared to ask.

Ren gave a casual shrug. “Rule the galaxy.”

“You can’t be so foolish as to think that you won’t have people fighting against you every step of the way.”

“Oh? And against the might of the Force and the firepower of the First Order, what chance does your fledgling Resistance have?”

Rey knew times were bleak and knew exactly how much was resting on her shoulders. The artifact lay deep within ancient Force caves and she had no intention of letting him get to it, but letting him into the Force caves? Absolutely. Master Luke knew what waited a person like Kylo Ren inside those deep wells of power and knew personally how overwhelming the conflict would be.

Confronted with the truth of who he was and who he could become, would Kylo Ren crumble under the weight of his truth as Luke thought? Both he and Rey were betting a lot on this and leaving so much up to the will of the Force.

“The Empire was defeated just as the First Order will be,” she replied, but he could see through her bravado. Ren circled her as she resisted the urge to whip around and follow him with her body. He was _not_ going to intimidate her, not when she alone could see the secret, haunted reaches of his mind. Not when she was the only one who had the power to see the truth.

And hopefully the power to resist.

Rey squared her shoulders as Ren pulled up behind her, not touching, but the heat of his body and the force of their connection thrummed against her skin.

“Tell me, scavenger, have you been anticipating this meeting as much as I?” His voice was pitched low and Rey had to take a breath to calm herself before answering.

“The only thing I anticipate is the day the First Order lays in shambles and Snoke is defeated,” she said bravely, but he smirked.

“Little scavenger. Little liar. This close, you can’t hide anything from me.” His fingers came up to rest against the pulse point of her neck and she heard him snort.

“Are you afraid?”

“No,” she replied, because it was true.

“Then why is your heart beating so?”

She had one advantage, and she was going to use it. Her truth, her ability to cut to the core of what they were and what they might be would _always_ be her trump card. Rey rounded on him and stared up into his dark, fathomless eyes.

“Because, when this is all said and done, I anticipate the moment where you realize how wrong you’ve been and how deeply you care about the galaxy—about kindness and decency. About all the things that your parents tried to teach you, and all people you abandoned or killed along the way. I’m going to take you to the caves, not because you demand it, but because it was my plan all along.”

“Is that so, scavenger?” he asked quietly, but his eyes were fierce with emotion.

“That’s so,” she said, jutting her chin defiantly.

“And is that Luke’s intention as well?” She wondered what he meant by that, of course it would be his intention, why mention him now?

“Obviously.”

Ren smiled down at her, and it looked like he pitied her. “I have always promised to be honest with you, and I will continue to live up to that oath.”

“Honesty in the First Order? That’s a laugh.” But even as she dismissed his words, she knew the truth of it. He hadn’t lied to her, never would. _Couldn’t._

“Rey. When we find the artifact, you’re going to come with me _willingly._ ”

Rey snorted. “Is _that_ so?”

“Yes, because I know the truth about your parents.” And at that moment, with those words, Ren let his Force flow through their bond and she was overwhelmed by the completeness of their connection—and by the truth.

“My parents...” she started.

“Luke has been hiding the truth from you, but I know. And I’ll tell you. Just as soon as I’ve gotten what I want from this place.”

Rey tried to hide how deeply his words had impacted her, how deeply she wanted to know the truth.

 _And he’ll give it to you, you just have to give him what he wants. He’d never lie to you,_ the traitorous part of her mind called out to her.

“You are going to change the galaxy, little scavenger. At my side, there will be nothing that can stand in our way.”

Rey smiled at him, cocky and bold. “You’re right, I will change the galaxy, starting with you, Kylo Ren.”

“There isn’t enough light in the galaxy, scavenger.”

Rey stepped towards him, invading his space and mimicking his posture. _Has Luke been lying? No, Master Luke didn’t lie, skirt the truth, yes. But lie...? Never._

“We’ll see,” she promised, defiant as ever, though her need to find out what he knew about her parents nearly overwhelmed her.

Kylo Ren laughed, choked and odd sounding from disuse, and Rey wasn’t sure whether she was more unnerved by the fact that he had a sense of humor, or the way his laugh had cut right into her heart—and secretly made her long to hear it again. Inside their shared connection was one thing, but in reality it was unnerving how human the sound made him.

“Come, scavenger. Confront your destiny.”

Little did he know, she _had._ Deep within the Force caves, Rey had seen outcomes both terrifying and profound, each adding to the heavy burden she already carried on her slim shoulders. But there was hope, frail and fragile as it was, and it had come in the form of a dark and disturbed man, who’d sacrificed his life and family for an idea.

Would the Force be able to bring balance back into Kylo Ren, or would the caves further dement a broken man? Master Luke said the Force worked in mysterious ways, ways that often seemed to conflict with what an individual person wanted.

“Kylo Ren, I think it’s time you confronted yours,” she challenged as she gamely led the way.

“And when they confirm what I already know?” he asked.

“Then I’ll follow you onto your command shuttle and come back with you willingly.”

“Do I have your word, scavenger?” he asked as she trudged over the rocky terrain.

“My word. And my name is Rey. I’m not a scavenger any more than you’re a Jedi. Remember that.”

She heard him chuckle behind her, not quite a laugh, and again at her expense.

 _Force preserve me,_ she thought. _Because either this is going to work, or it’s going to kill me. Though I’m starting to wonder whether that’s what the Force has had planned all along..._

* * *

“It is you...” Quote from TFA Novelization by Alan Dean Foster, which I obs own a copy of but obs don’t own the rights to, same goes for the Wildes song,  _Bare,_ that inspired this chapter.

Hey ho hey ho, real life is such a drag, but I finally sat down and hammered this out. Thanks for the reviews and taking the time to read it. I’ve read so much great SW FF lately, it just blows my mind how insanely talented this fandom is. As much as I thought I was in before, after TFA my eyes were well and truly opened. Bravo to all ya’ll artists/creators out there. You inspire me every day to become a better writer/reader.

So, I’m a fan of slowish burnish, and I really want them to get together for the first time for _realsies,_ so that’s coming. I swear. Might even up the rating on this mofo. We’ll see *COUGH* With Bloodlines coming out, it actually lined up with the Kylo I had in my head, so I was glad for a little confirmation (about him defecting as an adult, etc.) But this god damn wait is killing me. Thank the maker for Rogue One, or I don’t know what I’d do.

Any mistakes are my own. My head is throoooooooobbing, but I love you, so here I am. Come visit me over on tumblr [@pacificwanderer](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/pacificwanderer)

Have an awesome weekend an may the Force be with you, always.

 

 


	6. Killer

**You might bring some company**

**In the wake of your belief**

**You might really be deceived**

**But soon you’ll realize**

**When you kill you do the time**

**When you kill you do the time.**

**_Killer, The New Division_ **

* * *

 

Nothing goes as planned, which shouldn’t surprise Rey as much as it does. Her life has been a series of things not going as planned starting with, but not limited to, being dumped on a desert planet with a beast of a childminder.

Never mind the hunger.

Never mind the fear.

Never mind doing whatever it took for her to survive.

_Never mind how your mind and heart are just as dark as his. Never mind that when you looked into his mind, you could see a stark reflection of yourself. And it frightened you and pushed you to the unknown reaches of the universe just to get away from those feelings._

Kylo Ren was as intimidating now as she remembered and somehow very different from the person in her mind. It’s harder for her to be objective with him so close and harder to keep her fears at bay. His presence weighs heavy on her shoulders as she comes to understand the magnitude of what Master Luke wants her to accomplish.

_Keep the temple safe by any means necessary._

Any means necessary. But would that mean a personal sacrifice, the destruction of Kylo Ren? She couldn’t kill him, even as she tried for bravado, her heart knew otherwise. To destroy him would be like destroying a part of herself. But the caves. That was exactly what she wanted Kylo Ren to experience. Unlike the caves Master Luke had experienced on Dagobah, the caves on Ahch-To were imbued with the light side of the Force. From the way Master Luke told it, the experience was wholly different.

The dark side showed you lies where the light amplified the truth. Rey had been in the caves and trained in and around them with Master Luke’s guidance. But the experience had been disconcerting, to say the least. The truth could be ugly and hard to swallow. And her life hadn’t been easy—there was much she felt she needed to repent for, no matter how circumstances had forced her hand. And, what was more, deep within the caves remained the remnants of a former Jedi temple, hiding great secrets and artifacts. Precious artifacts of light... and dark that needed to be kept from the First Order—and Snoke—at all costs.

And here she was tasked with taking Kylo Ren, Master of the Knights of Ren, a former student of Luke Skywalker, into a place that she was meant to _keep_ from exactly him. But Master Luke had faith in her, faith in the caves. She just needed to trust the Force and...

“You’re keeping your thoughts shielded from me,” his deep voice rumbled from somewhere behind her.

Of course, she was keeping him out. The last thing she needed was for him to realize what she intended. She was well aware that he’d be able to sense the power of the Force from the caves, but she was banking on him not realizing the kind of pull they’d have over him until it was too late.

_And are you prepared for what you see inside?_

Rey shivered and Ren chuckled darkly.

“Scared, scavenger? You’ll want this by the time you’re finished leading me to what I need.”

“You sound as disgusting as Unkar Plutt,” Rey shot back as he followed her to the caves. Ren’s presence weighed heavy on her shoulders, though he hated how familiar and comforting it had become.

Rey sighed and opened her mind to him, and he was waiting— _We have more in common than you realize._

His voice haunted her dreams and often her waking moments and what frightened her the most was that she knew he was _right._ When she looked at him, she saw the potential for good and for darkness. There was a fine line between the light and the dark and she knew, if she let herself fall into him, that there would be no dragging either of them out of those depths.

Down and down she led him over the craggy steps that led to the caves. When she’d first come to the islands, the hundreds of steps and near continuous climbing had left her breathless and weak, never mind the damp air that made her dry, desert lungs feel as if she were drowning. But now, she was strong and she could just make out his light pants as he struggled to keep pace with her.

“I could slow down if you need it,” she taunted, but in that moment she’d stopped concentrating on where she was stepping, and an errant rock had rolled underfoot, tripping her. Kylo Ren had her in his arms before she’d known it, saving her from plummeting back down the steps.

“I can carry you if _you_ need it.” Against his body, she could feel as his deep voice rumbled through her, hoarse from exertion and something more. His muscular body was so warm, it almost felt like fire against her chilled skin, like the passion that burned within his twisted mind was expressing itself over the layers of his scarred skin. Shaking her head, Rey glared up into his handsome, scarred face and meant to shoot back some biting retort, but the words disappeared from her lips when her eyes locked with his.

It didn’t matter what he said, or what he did, his _eyes_ always gave him away. Deep and dark, they drew her _right in._ It was all there—the past, present and future—mixed into a blurry mess of emotions.

“What do you want, Ben?” she whispered, against her better judgment.

His arms tightened around her body as he paused, considering. “You know what I want,” he finally replied.

“I don’t want to destroy the galaxy,” she countered as if it was the only thing keeping them apart.

_He killed Han._

_Maimed Finn._

_Tortured Poe._

_And the billions in the Hosnian system..._

And yet, when she looked into his eyes, she _knew_ that the truth was so much more than what had been presented to her.

“I want to _rule_ the galaxy, not destroy it. Can you not see it is my— _our—destiny?_ We were created for this! Pure Force directing our lives, intersecting our fates. Surely you don’t think this is chance?” he said, his gaze dipping to her lips and then lower, skimming across the exposed skin of her chest. He meant their meeting, but the heat in his gaze left her with the distinct feeling that it wasn’t the _only_ thing he was referring to.

Rey flushed. She didn’t know what to think, really. The Force hadn’t been a part of her that she’d recognized until recently, not like Ben Solo who’d been struggling with its overwhelming presence since childhood. She could understand how a child, and then a deluded man, could come to believe that they were meant for more, especially when a voice inside their head _promised them_ that they were.

Because she wondered if _she’d_ been meant for more, back on Jakku.

And then she’d met Kylo Ren and part of her had _known._

His gloved hand skimmed over her arms before coming up to gently trace the line of her chin. He was _always_ touching her—inside of their visions and out. Even when he’d been trying to get information from her, it hadn’t stopped him from placing those big hands on her body, as if _he_ couldn’t believe she was tangible and real.

And it frightened her how much she _wanted_ that touch, how it felt nearly as necessary as air. She barely kept from leaning into it, instead, she squared her shoulders and tried to pull back, but he kept her close.

“You know the truth awaits us both,” Kylo Ren added cryptically. Rey _knew_ what was waiting for her in the Force caves, but he couldn’t possibly. And if he thought whatever lies he’d come up with about her parents would impress her enough to leave Master Luke, then he had Bantha fodder for brains.

His hand slid down her neck, the smooth leather tracing across her skin, making her shiver.

“Your body knows the truth, even if your mind refuses to acknowledge it,” he murmured, edging closer.

“And what is that?” she said, swallowing thickly as she fought for control.

“You want this. I want this. It is inevitable.” Had he spoken the words, or whispered them in her mind?

 _When did his face get so close?_ Rey wondered as he hovered over her, his mouth barely inches from her mouth.

Ren’s full lips slipped into a smile as he heard her thoughts. _You let me get this close,_ he replied.

She knew she had, but she didn’t know _why_ she had.

 _Liar,_ he taunted her.

 _Manipulator,_ she countered.

_Oh, Rey. I’ve never had to manipulate you, not like the Resistance. Not like Luke. All I ever wanted was you. You know it’s true._

His lips skimmed the edge of her mouth as she wrestled with her desire and the rational part of her mind which was telling her that _touching_ was _not going to end well._

Summoning every last bit of resistance within her, Rey pulled back and carefully stepped out of Ren’s grasp, much to his evident disapproval.

“The cave’s aren’t much further,” she said, voice huskier than she’d liked.

Ren curled his fists against his sides but said nothing. However the frustration rolled off of him in waves, and Rey couldn’t help but feel as if she’d passed a test. But given how close he’d gotten to her, she didn’t know how things would end up if the situation repeated itself.

 _Endgame,_ she reminded herself, even as her mind swirled with impossibly dark and haunting eyes. Even as her skin burned with the memory of his touch. Even as she knew, if she were to turn back, he’d welcome him with open arms—and _never let her go._

* * *

 

Ahch-To wasn’t so much an island as it was a series of underground tunnels that just so happened to have islands attached to them, at least, that was what made sense in Rey’s mind. It was as if the ancient Jedi had carved the temple from the surface downward, and maybe they had, but what remained was a cavernous temple that seemed to stretch on and on into the darkness.

She hadn’t spoken to Ren since their episode on the steps, but he’d followed just as close and seemed to be doing his best to occupy her every thought, even without saying a word.

Finally, he did ask, “Where’s the holocron?”

She shrugged but didn’t bother to turn and face him. “What makes you think this place is hiding a holocron?”

“What makes you think that it’s the only artifact it’s hiding?” he countered. Was he trying to annoy information out of her? He _had_ been paying attention. When it came to Kylo Ren, Rey had a hard time controlling her emotions. He knew _exactly_ which buttons to press, and in what order. In some ways, it almost felt _right,_ but when she was trying to hide secrets from him—or win him over to the light—it wasn’t the best reaction to lead with.

“The main entryway is just a little further,” she explained while leading him down the dark steps and further into the former temple. A light at her hip cast menacing shadows on the ancient walls and Rey had to fight the irrational part of her brain that was still slightly afraid of being alone in the dark.

“You know, true evil isn’t afraid of exposing itself to the light of day,” he said thoughtfully.

Rey huffed and rolled her eyes. “They’re called _irrational_ fears for a reason.”

“I always liked the dark as a child,” he admitted, curiously.

“Evidently,” she replied, voice thick with sarcasm.

“Without the dark to temper it, the light is just as fearsome and overwhelming,” he continued as if she hadn’t mockingly interrupted him.

“Balance, in all things,” she heard herself agree. _Where did that come from?_

Ren chuckled softly from behind as if he could feel her annoyance at agreeing with something he’d said. Being this close to Kylo Ren was dangerous for Rey. She was having a harder and harder time remembering _why_ exactly he was evil, and why exactly she tried so hard to keep him from insinuating himself into her mind.

_Endgame. He needs the light, you need to defeat the First Order and Snoke._

She needed his knowledge, that was all. Even if he were to come back to the light, there was so much between them—too much. It could never be.

 _No matter how badly you might wish otherwise,_ she thought with a sigh. Ren made no comment, though she could feel his emotions well enough. She felt he knew her better than she knew herself, as much as he hated to admit it.

_Focus. Feel the Force._

Clearing her mind, she focused on the task at hand. At the end of the descending steps, Rey could just make out the high walls of the cave in the dim light of her lantern. It was huge and if they spoke too loudly, their voices would echo menacingly. The whole place felt _full—_ of the Force, of other beings—as if there was simply too much existing in one place.

Rey felt her being pulled away from Ren as if every part of her _needed_ to pass through an ancient looking archway and discover what was hidden within. It was strange, she’d spent time in the caves before, under Master Luke’s instruction, but she’d never felt a pull quite like this before. Without saying anything, Rey let herself be led through the cave, disappearing from Kylo Ren’s sight before he’d even felt it.

* * *

Ren hadn’t noticed that Rey had separated from him until she was gone. The thrum of their connection was there, ever present, so he didn’t think to check for her _physical_ proximity. He turned to look for her, to send out a call with the Force, but he was nearly knocked off his feet by _another_ presence.

She stood staring, just out of his reach, _just_ at the edge of his memory.

“You’ve forgotten me,” she accused because it was true. He couldn’t see her face, not any more. The years had melted away his memory of her. But strong echoes remained. The reminders he saw in another young, beautiful, determined face.

Rey wasn’t the first girl he’d known to expect, nor was she the first girl he’d wanted to keep. There was another nothing and nobody, and she was beautiful and bright as a star. He’d remember her until the galaxy itself collapsed in on itself.

Her smile.

 _That_ laugh.

She’d been his friend. One of his _only_ friends. Ben Solo didn’t have many friends, nor did Kylo Ren. They’d both been destined for loneliness until...

_Rey. Inanna..._

_“Ben, your mother is going to be so kriffing angry!”_ And he’d laugh, and she’d laugh and come along on some dumb adventure anyways.

Get into trouble with him. _For him._

And he’d killed for her. _Because_ of her. And when she’d died, all the light had gone right out of his life. And he’d known from that moment on, sometimes murder is justified if it’s for the right reasons. Sometimes murder is the only course of action that is _just and right._ But no matter how many lives he took, he’d never be able to bring back that one life. The one life that mattered.

_Not her._

_Not my father._

_But Rey..._

Rey was so much like _her_ that sometimes it made his heart ache. She _wasn’t_ Inanna, Rey was more determined, more fierce, just _more,_ but the memory lingered and tugged at his heart. Reminding him that he _had_ a heart. That once he’d felt so complete and so _whole_ that he’d forgotten that he’d never been good enough. Never been strong enough. Never able to live up to the great and terrible shadows cast by his parents.

Because she made him forget. Because she saw in him what he refused to see in himself—potential, goodness, strength. And then she’d been killed. By a boy. A stupid boy who’d _dared_ to take her out where it wasn’t safe. Dared to take her away from _him_.

“It was an accident! I didn’t know. I didn’t mean to hurt her, I’d _never hurt her!_ ” the boy had babbled as Ben prowled towards him. He hadn’t known at the time what he’d do to this boy, this stupid boy who’d taken the only thing he’d ever had that was good, the only thing that he _loved._ He didn’t know, but as the darkness took hold of him, as it breathed life and death through his veins, that terrible Force knew.

And when he’d choked the life out of that boy, the only regret he felt was that he could only kill him _once._

_And killing him once will never be enough to dull the ache of her death. Will never bring her back._

It wasn’t until later, much later, when he’d found out the truth of his ancestry that his _dark_ feelings had all suddenly made sense. There was a history in his family, a _need._ They were chosen by the Force, guided by destiny, he had a model now—a presence that aligned with how he felt _inside._ Not like his mother, not like his father. This _presence_ knew. It understood that sacrifices needed to be made in order for there to be lasting peace and, above all, _control._

And then he’d seen Rey again, and it had made him a liar. The power of her Force pushing light through the cracks of his armor.

Making him _regret._

“Did you feel their deaths, the way you felt mine?” Innana’s voice asked as she settled in beside him. She wasn’t real, he knew that, but it didn’t matter. It had served its purpose and now all he could see—all he could _feel—_ was the death and destruction his silence had wrought. Feeling the way the Hosnian system was destroyed. As much as he tried to ignore it the first time, their terror, the way billions of lives had been snuffed out, had rumbled through his connection to the Force and through his body. It made him sick. It made him angry. It made him _feel._

It was important for the galaxy to understand the power of the First Order, but the part of him that was still Light, the part that he worked _hard_ to forget, cried out in unison. His former home. Former friends. Almost his mother. Wiped out in an instant. Had he not been wearing his helmet on that day, any observer would have noticed the tears flooding his eyes.

He hadn’t forgotten what it was like to lose his first home. Hadn’t forgotten how the Force had cried out in agony. Hadn’t forgotten the way it had felt like it was _his_ inaction that had been the cause, for all that Snoke had made the command, he hadn’t done enough to stop it.

He should have felt proud, should have felt strong and good for picking the winning side. But it was a hollow victory that came at great cost to the galaxy. For all the bickering and inaction of the Senate, was he any better? So many had died, so many who had never been given the opportunity to choose. He’d been able to choose sides, to fight for what he believed was right, but these methods made him wonder whether there’d be a galaxy left to rule at the end of this war.

Now, he was alone with _her_ , and the tears fell freely. His _feelings_ were a betrayal, much like how his family had insisted on keeping the truth from him when he was a child.

Darth Vader was his grandfather.

The terror of the galaxy.

Great destroyer of the Jedi.

And the reason why sometimes, when his mother thought he wasn’t looking, she’d stare at him with fear—with _recognition_.

Was he a beast of their own creation? Was it the expectation that had sent him down the path to the dark side? Shameful powers that flowed so strongly through his veins. An embarrassment. Something to keep hidden. Uncle Luke was meant to help him, to keep _him_ safe, but all it had done was alienate him from his parents further, remind him of the burden he was.

_Not normal._

_Wish he was normal, like me..._

_I’m afraid he’ll turn out to be just like..._

Was it fear that had shaped Darth Vader as well? Had he seen the truth of his power, the truth of the galaxy, and made his decisions accordingly, or was he also a pawn in another’s scheme?

“You’ll destroy us both, in time,” called _Rey’s_ voice and part of him knew it was true. He’d do anything to have her by his side, but he wondered if that unhealthy obsession would be a blessing or a curse. Rey’s body flickered into being, not wholly transparent, but not solid either. She looked like a ghost and it reminded him of the way she looked to him when she was near—otherworldly, full of possibility and light. She gave him a rare smile, and he wished that he could see it, just once, as she stood before him.

“It won’t hurt much,” the ghost said with a vicious gesture to her heart. “Watching the light leave your eyes will hurt me more than my death ever could.”

“I’m to kill you, then?” he asked. What did the Force want with him? To show _her_ like this would only bring him pain, was that the point? Showing him what the consequences of his actions would be, should he choose to go forward and conquer, as was his destiny?

“Destiny is a complicated thing, Ben. So many threads keeping it all tied together. This is the end of one of those threads, but it doesn’t have to be the one you choose to unravel from the whole.”

“But you will die,” he countered.

She smiled again, almost laughed. “Everyone dies, Ben. It doesn’t mean that we can’t go on being grateful for the moments we _do_ have together. Doesn’t mean that we have to contribute to that sadness and destruction willingly.”

“I would kill to have you,” he admitted and the ghost cocked her head and looked at him.

“I am not the prize of your conquest. I am. I am. _I am._ ”

_More than just a woman. More than the light side of the Force. More than an obsession. More than an adversary. More._

“Everything,” he murmured.

And confronted with her death he was nearly crippled with the knowledge that he’d lose her. Here in a cave. Or later, to old age. There was nothing he could do to stop it. Only the very strongest in the Force were able to transcend death and only the very strongest in the dark side were able to stop it all together.

So he was faced with a choice, did he succumb to the fear, or conquer it? Fall into the headstrong and foolish kind love that would consume him, or deny it?

 _Could_ he deny it? Her presence was heady, like nothing he’d ever felt before.

_Connection. Belonging. Bond. Understanding._

The blanks filled in his mind as he realized that once he’d feared that he’d lacked the strength and conviction to do what was necessary, and now he was afraid that he’d gone and made himself impossible to change.

He didn’t believe in the Senate, or the fledgling Resistance. He thought that the First Order would provide a swift and strong government, so desperately needed in a galaxy that was rife with disorder. But they were often more destructive than the enemy.

And, most of all, he knew that Snoke would have to be eliminated in order for there to be any sort of lasting peace.

“We could rule this galaxy together, you and I,” he proposed to her ghost.

The vision shrugged. “What galaxy would that be? What’s left?”

“I want order, to have understanding. _Power._ ”

“Vader wanted these things and nearly destroyed the Jedi in the process. How many more lives need to be eliminated in order for there to be any sort of sense in this chaos?”

“As many as it takes,” he growled. With time, he believed he could make her see the truth of his beliefs, but arguing with a vision was futile at best. His vision shifted and he saw himself fighting Rey. Their ‘sabers clashing, bodies heaving, as finally, _finally,_ he gained the upper hand.

He didn’t mean to hurt her—only wanted to make her see—but as his lightsaber pierced her heart, he knew.

This was a mistake that would push him beyond the point of no return.

* * *

Ever have that soundtrack come on that makes you write/draw/create like a fucking maniac? Well, The New Division does that for me. It’s been a while since I listened to their latest and it absolutely KICKED ME IN THE CHEST. And forced me to write. Like Kylo with a lightsaber to my neck (kinky). My fairytale fantasy soundtrack, bleak, upbeat and obsessive, much like my feelings for Star Wars hah.

I wrote way too fucking much for this. Like 10k. Broke it up so the next chapter will be coming in a few days, just as soon as I can edit it. Thank you, thank you, for going on this cathartic fucking journey with me. I love you for reading and I double love you for reviewing! This community is full of so many talented people (more talented than I am, by far) so thank you for taking some time and spending it with me.

Any mistakes are my own because I'm awesome and tired and probably missed them.


	7. Deep within never

**I fall, I fall**

**Deep within never**

**I call, I call**

**Baby come find me**

**I fall, I fall**

**Deep within never**

**I call, I call**

**Baby come find me.**

**_Emile Hayne, Come Find Me (Feat Lykke Li, Romy)_ **

* * *

She wasn’t surprised when his was the first face she saw in the Forc **e** cave. She’d been expecting it. In some ways, he was her ultimate truth. But what she hadn’t been expecting was how _sad_ it made her feel, nor had she been expecting the insistent longing.

Except, it wasn’t quite _his_ face, not as she knew him now. This face was so young, unscarred. His eyes were a warm brown instead of dull, lifeless and dark. Even his pallor had been replaced by a shade that looked close to her own sun-drenched skin. This wasn’t the man she knew, but someone _before_ that point.

And she knew, true as anything, that if she were to destroy this boy-man, she’d save the galaxy a world of trouble. It’d be so simple. Ignite her ‘saber, a quick cut along the seam of his throat, and watch the life as it dimmed from his warm gaze. She knew that she could not kill this Ben Solo, just as she couldn’t kill Kylo Ren, but she wondered and the Force tempted her of a reality without _him_ in it.

But it was blessedly silent.

And she was alone with her thoughts, finally.

And they were trouble free.

And then realization dawned on her as the light in her heart magnified, the world rippling through her entire being, crystallizing as pure feeling. Ben Solo had been nothing but trouble since the day he was born. They’d always been afraid there was too much Vader in him, but in reality, it had been his similarity to his parents that had pushed Ben away from the lights and into the waiting influence of Snoke. He was powerful in the Force but quick to anger and brash like both of his parents. He cared so much, _too_ much. And love, which he was capable of, was an all-consuming, dark creature.

“Who are you?” the boy who was Ben asked as he sniffled.

“I’m Rey,” she replied with a smile to the vision.

“Rey. Like a ray of light?” he asked. Rey wondered whether that was how he saw her now—a ray of light, bright and pulsing with the energy of the Force.

_Like me,_ she could almost feel him think.

“Tell me what’s wrong, Ben,” Rey started. If she was going to be able to help _her_ Ben, she needed to be able to understand him and through her vision, she hoped for clarity. A memory of Luke haunted her instead, even as the vision of Ben Solo stared at her expectantly.

_“He sees in you a kindred spirit, Rey. You are all that he could have been, all that he rejected. You need to find that understanding within his mind and decide what to do next. The caves will help guide you, but it won’t be easy. As much as he lets you in is as much as he’ll be able to get into you.”_ Luke had said this, even without knowing the magnitude of what went on between herself and Ren. If Master Luke knew what went on in her dreams and at the edges of her waking moments... the way they _completed_ each other—she could only imagine how he’d react to the knowledge that she was having a harder and harder time resisting Kylo Ren’s dark pull.

It was a dangerous game, but what other option did she have? They needed the information that Kylo Ren possessed about the First Order and they needed to sever the connection Snoke had with him, but to do that, she had to win his trust.

_Win his trust, when you aren’t even sure about where your place is? When you don’t know what Master Luke is still keeping from you?_

The sliver of doubt wormed its way into her mind before she could banish it. Little pieces of darkness, little pieces of fear and anger amplified by the power of the Force. She’d fallen into this so easily, into a life where it felt like she belonged, meeting the expectations of her new friends by going to find Luke Skywalker, but where did her story end?

The vision of young Ben Solo made a sniffling sound, distracting Rey from her thoughts. “Mom and dad were fighting again and I know it’s because of me,” he said in a very small voice as if he was used to having to speak softly.

_How often were you expected to sit and be quiet, Ben? Be seen and not heard? During Senate meetings? While you grappled with the overwhelming feel of the Force?_

“Why do you think that?” she asked, wondering whether this vision had anything useful to impart, of if it was just the Force picking apart pieces of her own consciousness.

“I broke a window with my—with the thing I’m not allowed to talk about,” he whispered, answering her question.

“With your power?” Rey prompted gently. His power had manifested _so young._ She couldn’t imagine how that would have been like, for either him or his parents, she had enough problems controlling the Force as an adult. And Luke had spoken of his bond with Leia, but the General was different about her powers. She relied on her gut and experience; the Force was incidental to her and something that tied her to the dark legacy of her father.

“When I get angry, things just _happen._ They don’t think I’m normal. Dad hates me.”

This broken little boy, loved and feared by his parents, had Kylo Ren once been like this, alone and afraid, with powers he neither understood nor could control? Rey was about to ask him more until another body moved through the vision.

_Inanna..._ Her name washed over her like a gentle wave and suddenly she knew all about this girl and what she meant to the boy who would become Kylo Ren. Rey studied this ghostly apparition and if the visage of Ren’s dead love closely matched her own, she pretended not to notice. History rewrote itself as memories of the present invaded her mind, and Rey knew that if he was constantly on _her_ mind, it was likely the same for Kylo Ren. She’d never experienced a love like Ben Solo had for Inanna. It had started so pure and, had she not died, Rey wondered if it wouldn’t have bloomed into something more, something that outlasted the feverish longing of youth.

The vision shifted as Ben held the limp body of Inanna in his arms, tears trailing over his pale face. “It’d be better off if I was dead, instead of her,” the not quite Ben told her. His voice hadn’t deepened to its current register, and it cracked with his emotions. Was the Force trying to twist her into doing something that felt contrary to her very nature? What _did_ the Force want with her? What did it want with Kylo Ren?

The body in his arms flickered as if the Force was sensing a change in her, and what manifested in its place _was_ her body. As Rey stared down at _her own_ body, she felt no fear—just sadness. But it wasn’t inevitable. It _could_ be, but it didn’t _have_ to be.

“You’re alive. I’m alive. Isn’t that enough?” Rey wondered back as Ben gently placed the body on the ground before his gaze darkened, a shiver of power filling the room with _his_ Force signature so strong that it pressed down on her body and caused a thrumming in her head. Eyes closed, Rey waited for the surge to pass before opening them again, and found herself staring up into the blackout gaze of Kylo Ren.

He sneered at her, all bravado. They were children playing games of war, never understanding the consequences of their words and actions until it was _too late._

“It’ll never be enough,” his deep voice rasped. “I’m going to rule the galaxy. I’m going to eliminate all those who get in my way, the weak and the useless, all those who no longer serve a purpose. I am pure destruction. I will destroy _you._ ”

Rey considered his words. If she were to strike him down, what would that accomplish? Would it truly save the galaxy from Snoke and the First Order? She didn’t think so, no. Snoke would have more than one acolyte in the dark arts and the First Order had bloomed under the blind eyes of the New Republic. They were strong. They were many. And they could not be brought down by killing one man.

_But if that man were to strike from the inside?_

“I’m in this to get what I want,” the not quite Kylo Ren assured her. He wanted power, but more than that, he wanted _her_ and the understanding she promised.

_Like me. Kindred. Understanding._

Tendrils of his beliefs trailed through her mind before she taunted, “You want me.” Rey edged closer to the vision before her. He was so tall. All muscle and sinew, his asymmetrical features blended into an arresting face, with ears that were too big for their head hidden by thick, dark waves of hair. He was beautiful. He was Ben Solo. And he was Kylo Ren.

“I will not kill you, Ben Solo, just as you will not rule the galaxy. I’m going to leave here in one piece and with my sanity intact and you’re going to leave here and make the right decision.”

The vision sneered down at her. “What could make you believe that?”

Rey stared up into his disbelieving eyes before her gaze trailed over the freckles on the face that was too much his father and not quite enough of his mother. “I believe, Ben Solo, because I’ve seen inside your head and you’re not half as dark as you pretend to be, nor half as brave either. I believe because I have hope—in _you._ ” And with a quick motion, she grabbed at the lapels of his shirt and dragged him forward and against her lips.

And _kissed._

Chaste and pure and full of everything she wished for him and everything she ever wished for herself. Hope was all she had. And as the vision disappeared, she couldn’t be sure, but she thought she might have seen another smirk grace that face, and this time it was full of amusement and a little disbelief before it faded into nothingness. Rey shook her head and tried to get her bearings once more. The cave was dark without the eerie light of her vision, so she ignited her light once again. The Force had led her back to the beginning of the cave, so she decided to sit and meditate, waiting for the real Kylo Ren to either find his way back out again...

_Or disappear under the burden of his own mind._

When he finally appeared, gone was the smug and self-assured man who’d parted ways with her. In his place was someone who looked _dangerously_ close to the Ben Solo she’d defeated in the caves. He looked shaken and, if she had the courage, she’d have opened the link between them to see what he’d seen, but she couldn’t bring herself to do it. For once, she kept her curiosity in check.

The look he gave her was wholly devoid of ego. He looked as if he’d had all the certainty he’d worked so hard to possessed, all the beliefs, the indoctrination, all of it—washed away in one terrible moment, leaving a great, despairing nothingness in its wake. He didn’t approach her, just stood and stared as if she might somehow possess the information he needed as if she might be able to reassure him that, whatever it was he’d gone through, it wasn’t right. It _wasn’t true._

But he seemed to remember who she was and _what_ she stood for and then even that tenuous reassurance disappeared on another rolling wave of despair.

“It can’t have been for nothing,” he croaked, his voice sounding for all the galaxy as if he’d been screaming in terror. And maybe he had. Master Luke had said that Force visions had the capability to be terrifying, but what had he seen?

“What are you talking about, Ben?” Rey called, too fearful to cross over to where he stood when he was so emotional, but he surprised her by closing the distance between them and wrapping her in his arms, a squeak of surprise was crushed from her lungs as he held her tight.

He was _shaking._ Rey looked up into his feverish looking face. She’d thought the caves would be hard for him, but _this_ was entirely unexpected.

“What’s going on, Ben?” she asked, voice pitched low and soothing.

“The Force. My uncle. Everything. It _won’t_ be for nothing. I will _not_ allow it.”

Ren leaned in and threaded his fingers through her loose hair. Even through the leather of his gloves, she could feel the heat of his body, and Force be damned if she didn’t _want_ his touch.

“Ren, don’t. This isn’t right.” She tried to rally herself enough to pull back, to sound brave and resolute, but her words came out as a whisper and Rey could only stand and stare as he looked down on her with a small smile that was not quite his own.

“I’m going to tell you the truth, Rey,” his voice rumbled, too close for comfort. Close enough that she could feel his breath as it brushed against her skin.

“The truth?” she asked as he pulled her close, angling her head back so that she was still looking into his eyes.

“The whole truth. The truth about who you are and what happened to your parents.”

“It doesn’t matter. None of that matters now. I have to stop the First Order,” she replied stubbornly.

Ren laughed, a choked harsh sound, and ignored her. “Luke Skywalker is only using you to get what he wants.”

“And you wouldn’t?” she countered. It felt like _everyone_ was using her for something. Unkar Plutt for her skills as a scavenger, Han for her skills as a mechanic and a pilot, Leia for her skills as a Force-user...

_Everyone except..._ Her mind offered.

_Except me,_ Ren finished.

“I want _you._ That is wholly different. Luke hasn’t been honest with you and I have _always_ been honest with you.”

It was true. Kylo Ren didn’t lie to her—keep things from her? Obviously. But he never lied.

“Spit it out, Ben. What are you keeping from me?” she asked, annoyed.

“It’s not what _I’m_ keeping from you, but what Luke is keeping from you,” he said.

Rey rolled her eyes. “And _what_ is Master Luke keeping from me?”

The mood between them shifted, from antagonistic to something deeper, _darker,_ as he stared down into her hazel eyes. She could tell he wasn’t playing around anymore. He _wanted_ her. Felt that it was integral to his own success that he _had_ her, and he seemed to think that whatever secret he had was going to deliver her right into his arms. Rey took a shuddering breath to steady herself as his confidence and sense of _rightness_ flowed into her through their bond.

His voice was soft and surprisingly devoid of emotion when he hit her with the full force of his truth, “Luke is the reason your parents never returned for you because he is the man who murdered them.”

And all at once Rey knew that he was speaking the truth. Memories flooded her. Not her own, not Ren’s either—stolen feelings and impressions from the Force as visions from the past, present and future overwhelmed her.

_The Empire needs children..._ Scientists! Her parents were scientists for the Empire!

She saw her mother, petite and strong— _like her_ —cut down by a white-blue blade. Her father, not Force-sensitive but on the wrong side of a never-ending galactic war, was tall and handsome. Not kind, but stern and resolute. But he _loved her_.

_I’ll come back for you, Sweetheart. I promise._

For so long she’d thought it was her father’s voice—or a protector. And she wasn’t entirely wrong, not her father, but another man who would keep her safe, who would mean more to her than anything in the entire galaxy...

And then, alone on Jakku. Force sensitive, but her power muted. Quieted. Hidden?

_He looked upset to see me because I reminded him of the horrors of what he’d done and who’d been sacrificed in the name of a war that never seems to end._

A name: Lor San Tekka, another ghost from the past.

Left with a great, monstrous blob because of fear and...

_To keep her out of the hands of the First Order. We don’t know what’s been done to her... how it will manifest in time..._

Tears flooded Rey’s eyes as she finally came to realize just how similar she and Ren really were. Both were powerful, gifted, strong—but a burden. Something to be feared and segregated kept away from polite company and society in case their powers manifested in ugly ways.

_It’s to keep you safe._

_To train you._

_You don’t know your own strength, your power will overwhelm you..._

_I love you, but I’m not sure that staying here is best for you._

_There’s too much darkness._

_Not enough light._

Excuses, some for Ben Solo and some for Rey the scavenger, but it didn’t matter. The message was the same. They were unwanted. Until...

_Snoke._

Rey shivered. She didn’t belong to that fearsome creature any more than Ren did, but the power he represented was appealing. She could see that now, see how being _wanted_ might come to supersede anything else Ben Solo had been feeling.

_And Vader._

_Grandfather. Scourge of the galaxy. Twisted and evil. There’s too much Vader in him, always has been._

And yet, hadn’t the New Republic been just as guilty of as many crimes? Crimes of inaction. Allowing insurgents to do their dirty work. So much blood. So many hands.

Finally, Rey came back to herself, eyes still locked with Kylo’s. He’d seen it all, she was sure. Knew it all. And it felt _good._ Better than good, it felt _right_ to have him inside her mind. Someone who understood. No, more than understood had felt it too. Had looked at her and seen power and potential and everything she could be, but instead of fear, there had only been anticipation and want in his gaze.

_I want you. From that first moment until my last._

_I don’t know what I want anymore._ She answered truthfully. She knew that the First Order was dark and evil, but what of the Resistance? Surely they weren’t blameless in all of this? She realized now that she couldn’t go back to Master Luke anymore. Not after what she’d learned. She’d never be able to look him in the eyes without the doubt and that was a dangerous step towards the dark side, but what to do now? And had he known all along what was to come once Kylo Ren came to the island?

“You know what to do,” Ren told her aloud, his voice shocking some sense into her.

“I’m not interested in being one of Snoke’s slaves,” she hedged. She wanted Snoke dead. Wanted the darkness and the threat he represented gone from the galaxy.

“Then we are of the same mind,” he replied. His hand gently threaded through her hair, little shivers of his Force powers flowing through her at his touch. It was heady and overwhelming, but she tried to keep herself from leaning into it.

“Together we can save the galaxy from Snoke.”

“You want control, it’s not the same thing. Power like that only does one thing.”

“Then help me take back the galaxy, to give it the structure and order that it needs to survive,” he suggested as if they were discussing what to make for dinner.

_Three portions for him. One for me. One galactic empire for him. One lifetime of regret for me._

And yet, when he said the words, she couldn’t deny how _right_ they felt. As if the Force itself was pushing her in this very direction. Every moment of their meeting had _felt_ familiar, but also like there was another piece of the puzzle that was missing. Something important—glaringly obvious.

Ren brushed his lips against her brow, distracting Rey from her thoughts.

“You know this is right. I can feel it.”

Would she ever be able to hide anything from him again, would she want to? He was the only person who’d ever been wholly truthful with her, right from the start. He wanted her because she was powerful, that was true, but he also wanted her because...

_I want you because you’re important to me._

_But why?..._ She didn’t understand it, the way he looked at her like he _knew_ her. She’d seen visions of him, impressions, but nothing tangible—not until recently.

_How could I be important to him unless he already...?_

A great cry resonated throughout the cave and brought Rey back to the moment and Ren’s fierce gaze.

“Come with me.” It wasn’t a question and this time, she didn’t resist.

_Together, we will finish what my grandfather started._

* * *

 

A/N~ Have you ever had your entire belief system ripped out from under you, one day realizing that everything you’d ever been taught to believe was a horrible lie that had been used to control you? That’s how I imagine Ben Solo felt after finding out that his mother and father had hidden the truth of Vader from him, like everything he’d believed about his family was a lie and all that darkness had been there _for a very good reason._ I’m not an apologist, you don’t _have_ to do what your family expects you to do, but I am empathetic and I think it makes for super fun fucking fiction. I also love that Kylo Ren tells Rey the truth, right from the start. It might be a fucked up version of the truth, but it’s the truth as he believes it to be. THAT IS IMPORTANT FOR HIS CHARACTER and will be helpful if there’s an eventual redemption of sorts (ughhhhhhhh all the feels). Please, build on this Rian Johnson! PLEZ.

ANYWAYS. God. I feel like fucking Mean Girls can best sum this pairing up for me: I JUST HAVE A LOT OF FEELINGS. While someone is yelling from the back that I don’t even go here! Ugh. 1.5 years to go. I can so do this. Onwards and upwards! Or should I say downwards? When everyone thinks that the ends justify the means, who’s good and who’s bad? Let’s explore the dark and sexy adventures between Kylo Ren the Problematic and Rey the Amazing.

Thank you, as always, for reading and reviewing. I love you all so much <3 Double thanks for Oblivionisathand for being awesome with the discourse (also, badass username).

_I’ll come back for you, Sweetheart. I promise –Quote from TFA Novelization by ADF, AKA NOT MINE. Twisted and Evil is said at some point in the OT by Obi-Wan Kensexy, so not me as well. Lyrics for Come Find Me belong to their respective owners (Emile Hayne)._

_I OWN ALL OF MY OWN MISTAKES! This is an exercise in insanity, thank you for coming along for the ride. Thank you for all the likes, comments, reads—I see it all and I love it all!_


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